Letters to Santa: #2

sweetums,
i can't wait to see you. tomorrow night is going to be a blast. i've been counting the days until you would come visit me again, darling, and it will be just so wonderful to be in your big, meaty arms again. your breath smells like the most delicious of cookies; your beard is like a big, fluffy pillow. i used to anticipate your arrival because of the lovely toys you would bring me, but honey, i'm not getting any younger. and you're immortal, so you're not getting any older. so why wait? what's done is done, anyway, and santa, you're great in the sack. this way, you save money on getting me presents. there's only one little box you have to buy, darling, and the only wrapping paper on my floor will be very small and hastily torn. get my drift, luv?
forever yours,
dan the WOman.

I'm Absolutely Positive That I Have No Idea

how do you tell if someone's waiting on you, anyway? i mean, if you're waiting on them and they're waiting on you, you don't get anywhere. but how do you know? and how do you know if you want to get somewhere? i don't know what i want. well, i do: fun. but i don't know if i want to jump into fun things that can become NOT fun. and i don't think i want to be committed. i don't want to be stuck to some specific person or thing, 'cause then if someone or something else comes up, i can't have fun. i like to act on impulse, and setting up dates is no fun, but it seems to be the only way that two people can hang out. it's rare that anyone ever pops up on my front porch like, "HEY! wanna go see a movie?" in fact, that has never happened. i wouldn't mind going on dates, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i would like to be in a relationship. i don't know. can't i just hang out with my guy friends? and can't they get the nerve to ask? and when they ask, can't i get the nerve to say yes? and can't i get permission from mom? jesus. so many factors in these situations.
i don't like to be vulnerably in lust. having feelings for someone makes me jumpy and nervous and unhappy. i can't stand it. recently i've been avoiding having serious feelings for guys, but i've been enjoying their company more and more. how do i do it, you ask? sheer willpower, my darlings. also, ego. my ego is so gigantic that it's blocking my view of the world around me. don't be me. i'm having fun, but i'm a jackass. don't be dani! do not, i repeat: do not be dani.
i have this problem where i make people out to be someone they're not. so i imagine that they're all cuddly and selfless and great at consoling me when i need it, when in reality they're none of those things. i need to face the facts, really. not every guy is intelligent enough, not every guy is accepting enough, selfless enough, caring enough, kind, loving, understanding, cool, fun, great enough. and no guy could possibly understand my constant urge to wear a plastic crown or wear a tie to bed. no guy would hang out with me in town when i'm dressed as Hobo Dani. besides, i like to be alone. i almost always have more fun with me than i do with anyone else. so if i wanted to have some plain-old-dani time and my beau called me up, i would feel like he was being awfully clingy and i wouldn't be happy. but if he didn't show interest in me one day, i would start freaking out about how he must not like me as much as i thought he did and yada-yada. it seems that no one can love me enough, but everyone can love me too much. who knows what the hell my problem is. oh, well.
anyway, if some dude can really handle all my impulsiveness, moodiness, and desire to be as loud as humanly possible at all times, i will be seriously impressed. but until that day, i'll have my many suitors to play my games with. and they can play back, if they're clever enough. hopefully they won't outwit me. that leaves me in quite the vulnerable state. but they've got to catch me off-guard and say something insanely flirtacious. that'll make me freeze up terribly. it's so much easier on the internet. those boys just don't know what hit 'em. (even thirty-year-olds are impressed by my allure. long story.)
'kay. i hope i've inspired someone... to do something... maybe i've inspired someone to punch me in the face. if i have, please make it a point to give me a black eye. i've always wanted one. :)

Current Obsessions

the other day, ashley asked me what my current obsessions are. well, i suppose it's about time i listed 'em, so here we go:

dani's current obsessions (in no particular order)

1. facial hair.
2. canada, as always.
3. jones soda (made in canada).
4. my "wickedly hot chocolate" body lotion. it's strong enough to make you gag.
5. www.pandora.com
6. www.cybernations.net
7. www.threadless.com
8. www.snorgtees.com
9. www.80stees.com
10. silly t-shirt sites in general.
11. santa claus, in all his glory.
12. breaking my saxophone (apparently).
13. "2,001 Things to do Before You Die." ms. nelson, now that i know you're reading this, you're borrowing this book.
14. protesting deer season and the slaughtering of animals in general.
15. being a hypocrite and eating meat anyway.
16. my list of desires. i might have to put that up on here, but it might offend or scare people.
17. sleeping.
18. dreaming.
19. collecting bottles.
20. long, hot showers.
21. snowwww.
23. the larsons (FOREVERRR).
24. fantasy stories with faeries, trolls, elves, pixies, and all the rest. (Tithe, Valiant, and Ironside, all by Holly Black.)
25. sitting at home in my pajamas for long hours.
26. bothering people with my ultra happiness.
27. confusing people with my unpredictability.
28. reading miiinds.
29. figuring out what makes myself and others tick.
30. learning about mumbo-jumbo (astrology).
31. being a total prick in the nicest way possible.
32. snow days, regardless of how many days i have to make up later.
33. nerds.
34. geeks.
35. weirdos.
36. necks... uhm.
37. eyes. love the eyes.
38. Suicidal Ants!
39. lamenting over the death of Stanley, my venus fly trap.
40. lamenting over the removal of Henry, my second pet dead spider.
41. having near-perfect punctuation and grammar, ignoring the need for capital letters.
42. laughing at my misfortunes.
43. www.runescape.com (again). and yes, i know; i'm a loser.
44. semi-colons, even though i'm still not entirely sure where they go.
45. the shoes i designed on www.converse.com.
46. contrasting colors.
47. the back extension machine in the weight room. don't ask me why.
48. the "B skip" in warm-ups... it's like... retarded trotting.
49. my current converse, in all their holey goodness. they've got character!
50. complaining about my mother.
51. complaining about my big brother.
52. loving my kid brother.
53. loving my baby brother.
54. scolding my kid brother (it's fun).
55. writing too-long blog posts that few people will ever read all the way through.
56. the fucked-up story i'm writing. it's about an insane girl with hallucinations, one of which wants to sex her real bad.
57. lists.
58. knowing peoples' scents and being comforted by them, no matter how narsty they are.
59. having marvelous friends who would be there for me, no matter the situation.
60. yooooou.

Letters to Santa: #1

dear santa,
i'm glad you appreciated my rendition of "santa baby" across the street from your little hut on the square. i wasn't expecting you to wave and give me a thumbs-up, but you know, that just makes me love you all the more. you don't need mrs. claus; i saw the sculpture of her near your hut, and she's not good enough for you. what an old hag. i, however, am young and curvy, and i wouldn't mind if i woke up on christmas morning to find you next to me in bed. is that weird, santa claus? hah! weird is you watching children every day and every night. that, santa, is just about the weirdest thing ever. if we get together, i hope you'll stop doing that.
yours truly,
dan the WOman.

Oh, I Know Ecstacy.

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I Should Have Eschewed the Little Dude.

i just got back from a long and chilly walk. i waited all day, babysitting until around four, then i finally got the freedom i desired. i got all bundled up and headed out at a very slow and leisurely pace, talking to myself as loudly as i would talk to a friend beside me, trying and succeeding to drown out my own thoughts with the words from my mouth. i made sure to take time to compare this time of year to the others, noting how gray and still everything is. nothing moves; there isn't a soul around and not the slightest breeze to make the trees sway. the overcast skies cast a shadow on everything, making my town seem old and sick. still, i had a nice chat with myself.
i walked uptown and circled the square, getting my bearings before getting the courage to go into my favorite and least favorite coffee place. every time i go there, i waste somewhere around four dollars or more on some crappy coffee and walk away very irritated with myself. so i bought myself a $3.50 white mocha and headed off, cursing my lack of financial responsibility and inability to try new beverages. i shoved my hat back on, ignoring any looks i got for having a giant puffball on my head, and slowly made my way over to Howard Park ("Make-out Park," as my dad says), where my conversation was interrupted. she came over and talked to me. she was very petite and pretty, and very amiable. no, silly, dani doesn't make human friends. this friend was a cat. i took a moment to talk with her and stroke her freezing body with my coffee-warmed hands, then got up to go.
well, "Little Dude," as i dubbed her, wasn't willing to stay at the park alone, even though she must have lived just a few feet away. she began to follow me. well, of course i enjoyed her company, and of course i wasn't going to stop talking to her - hey, i had been talking before i even met her; i wasn't going to stop - so she kept on following me.
"Little Dude," i told her, "you and i must go our separate ways. i know where you live, and this isn't the direction. i live here and you live there. go home!"
but of course my voice isn't very scary, and Little Dude kept on following. she walked ahead of me, going up to every door we passed, hoping it was my house so that she could get inside and warm up. i kept telling her that she had a home and that she would be missed if she kept on following me. i shouldn't have been talking to her, but like i said: i was talking before i bumped into her, so i wasn't going to stop. she followed me for a long while, stopping at every door, and i told her where cats lived and where dogs lived, reminding her every now and again that i have three cats at home. she didn't care. at one point, she stopped and i hoped she was going home, but then i heard panicked meows and, being the compassionate cat-liker that i am, i turned around to find that Little Dude was pressed against the ground by some furry black-and-white cat.
"who are you?" i asked it firmly. "what do you think you're doing? c'mon, Little Dude." and she did come away, just like that, without any fear of the other cat jumping on her when her back was turned.
maybe that was my mistake. maybe saving her from a mauling convinced her that i would take her in and shelter her from the cold, and maybe i believed that, too. so we went on our way, coming to a home that houses about eight or nine cats. of course two or three of them made their way to stare at Little Dude, and of course she stepped a little bit closer and growled at them, but i reminded her gently that she was too small to fight and that my house was only a block or so away. she turned around and continued to follow me.
well, what was i supposed to do? let her get killed by a pack of huge cats? nooo!
so she came home with me, greeted almost immediately by my three angry cats. Lily stood up, her winter coat bristling like mad; how dare another she-cat show up on her turf! i made an arc around the angry calico, and Little Dude followed me hesitantly to the door, which i opened for both of us. well, Cricket (my kid brother named him, not me) came out, saw Little Dude, puffed up and froze. and i mean that. he didn't move a muscle, even when i poked him with my toe. so Little Dude rushed past him into the warm of my house, where Wrigley sat on the couch. he tensed instantly, but Little Dude didn't even notice him. she skipped around happily, sniffing the floor and enjoying the warm -until she peeked up at the couch and saw Wrigley. then she rushed away and i began to panic as my parents pulled into the drive; my mother hates animals. actually, she hates everything. except, maybe, herself. so of course she freaked when i warned her that there was someone else's cat in our house. she screamed at me, telling me it was all my fault (hey, i think it's only partially my fault) that it followed me home, and now that i had fed it, it wouldn't leave and how dare i bring a stray into the house? i told her that it wasn't a stray - clearly, it had a collar - but she was so pissed. seriously mad. so i scooped up Little Dude and put her back on the front porch, where Cricket and Lily still sat, shocked at the appearance of a strange cat. well, of course they pinned her up against the side of the house as soon as i shut the door. as i sit here now, two hours later, i can still hear her meowing. my parents refuse to drive me back to Howard Park - oh, no, i could i return somebody's pet? that's just unthinkable - so poor Little Dude is outside, lost and in danger. it hurts to think about who i may have accidentally taken her away from; what if some little girl is outside right now, calling out for her furry best friend, who she may never see again? i feel just awful...
i don't know what i was thinking, bringing her home. i suppose i thought that she could warm up for a little bit, then mom and dad would smile and nod and let me pack her up in the pet carrier and ship her back to her home, but i don't know where i got that idea. i have been reminded more than once today of why i do not want to live with my parents. this poor story of a lonely, cold kitty is definitely what upset me most, but there's also mom's selfishness over shoes. instead of expressing concern for my feet because my right converse shoe has a hole big enough for my foot to fall out of, mom expressed anger at the fact that i had twice asked my biology teacher for duct tape to patch up the hole. mom believes that, by doing this, i have made our family seem like trash and made her seem like a bad mother. here's how i see it: i'm old enough to have my own job and old enough to purchase my own shoes. if my teacher thinks anything about the hole in my shoe, which she doesn't, she probably wonders why i don't buy me some new shoes, not why my mother doesn't. maybe you're wondering why i don't buy new shoes. well, my current shoes are fine. they've got sentimental value. they make me happy. things that make me happy generally piss off my mom, i'm noticing. oh, well. my brother high-tailed it out of here, and even though he's living at a friend's house with three outfits to choose from, i envy him. he's free to have whatever makes him happy... so long as proper shelter, money, and a job don't make him happy.
anyway, i made a kitty friend and i'm not letting her get hurt. i figure i'll walk her home as soon as my family's asleep. hopefully she only follows me there and not back. maybe i'll just force my parents to take her back to the park on the way to church tomorrow. i'll remind them that GOD wouldn't let a cat get mauled for no good reason. maybe that will work.

My Love is Greasy, Fattening Murder on a Bun.

a dragon-sized cheeseburger for my dragon-sized love for you. if you're even reading this blog, i must love you lots.

The Kraken.

bethany requested i do this.

DIRECTIONS:
1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends. (no.)
6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say? Magical Mystery Tour.
[hey, that sounds kind of cool, even though it makes no sense.]

How Would You Describe Yourself? Simple and Clean.
[that works quite nicely, actually. fucking SWEET.]

What Do You Like in a girl/guy? Sha La La La La!
[i do enjoy that sha-la-la-la-la kind of feeling when i'm crushing on a boy. :D]

What is Your Life's Purpose? A Shot of Rhythm and Blues.
[okay, then. i'd better start taking singing lessons. or maybe saxophone lessons!]

What is Your Life Motto? Drops of Jupiter.
[gee, i just love my random music on iTunes.]

What Do Your Friends Think of You? That Green Gentleman.
[hey, i'm not green! nor am i a gentleman. big meanies.]

What Do You Think of Your Parents? Romeo and Juliet.
[it works. my parents are ultra lovey-dovey and i don't appreciate it.]

What Do You Often Find Yourself Thinking About? Some Other Guy.
[ahaha. totally kick-ass and relatively true.]

What is 2+2? Leave Your Bourbon on the Shelf.
[i'm gonna need it if you start giving me math problems to solve.]

What Do You Think of Your Best Friend? Stop the Dams.
[huh. i'm... not getting anything out of that one.]

What Do You Think of the Person You Like? I Got a Woman.
[uhm... i can assure you that i am not into chicks.]

What Is Your Life Story? Ticket to Ride.
[hmm... yes. yes, my life is a carnival ride of sorts.]

What do you want to be when you grow up? Prelude in E minor.
[aww, that one's no fun. maybe i'll be a composer, then. i'll be CHOPIN! i'll go back in time, kill chopin and take his place in history. mwahahaha.]

What do you think of when you see the person you like? Happiness is a Warm Gun.
[i probably do want to kill him, whoever he is.]

What will you dance to at your wedding? I'll Fly Away.
[it's true. i probably will fly away. i can't get married; i'll panic and run for the hills!]

What will they play at your funeral? You Spin Me Right Round.
[fuck yeah. everyone will rock out at my funeral.]

What is your hobby/interest? Roll Over Beethoven.
[does that seem sexual to you? because i would totally sex beethoven.]

What is your biggest fear? Hello Goodbye.
[it's true! i'm afraid of abandonment. but only a little, so it's a kind of lie.]

What is your biggest secret? Matters of Blood and Connection.
[i can't talk about it.]

What do you think of your friends? Lonesome Tears in My Eyes.
[i don't HAVE any friends. waaaaah.]

What will you post this as? The Kraken.
[ahahaha. me likey.]

aww, i want MORE!!!

"If You Were a Cannibal, What Would You Wear to Dinner?"

i spend too much time clicking "give me a new question" when i edit my profile page. this question, however, was very satisfying. the following is my response, which was too long for my profile page.

James was a peaceful kind of guy, with kind blue eyes. His skin was soft and caramel-colored, stretched taut over his muscles. His lips were full, his nose was straight and pointed. He was a handsome man.
Recently, a woman had moved in next door to James. He had been sitting outside with a book when the moving van had pulled up. He watched her, with bored curiosity, as she hopped out of the passenger seat and went around to speak to the movers. She wore a t-shirt, jeans, and tattered converse high-tops. Her long, brown hair fell down her back, and she wore a lock of it tucked behind her ear. She was plain-looking, without any makeup or defined style. She glanced at James for a moment, her eyes sweeping up his figure, taking in his muscled physique and healthy, glowing skin. She rose one eyebrow briefly, her eyes going out of focus for a moment, then turned her attention back to the movers.

The next day, the doorbell rang. James took his time getting to the door, walking slowly and confidently. He wasn't surprised when he turned the knob.
"Hey, I'm sure you already know this, but I just moved in next door. I'm Danielle."
She held out her hand, which was almost completely engulfed by James's as he shook it.
"James," he replied, nodding curtly.
"James." She smiled widely, seemingly very pleased. "Well, nice to meetcha. I'll let you go. See you around!" She giggled, turned around, and bounced across his yard to her own.
James lifted his eyebrows and shut the door.

Surprisingly, James found himself thinking about Danielle throughout the week. She had a very plain appearance, but happiness poured from her every pore. She seemed to be an interesting person, and James was curious. Four days after her visit, he went to see her.
"Hey, James," she chirped as she opened the door. She giggled, as if his name was funny.
"Uh, hey," he replied, slightly perturbed by her laughter. He hesitated for only a moment, then went on. "I was wondering if you would like to come over to my place for dinner later."
He wasn't nervous. He knew what he looked like, and he had never been turned down. He glanced behind Danielle, where a pile of boxes stood tall in the dining room. She hadn't unpacked?
Danielle smiled slyly. "Sure," she answered. "I'll be over at seven." Then she shut the door.

James looked at the clock, setting plates on the table. 6:53. He stood, checking the spread on the table. He hoped Danielle wasn't a vegetarian; he had made steak fajitas. He cocked his head to one side, wondering vaguely if she liked Mexican food.
He glanced in the mirror by the door, tousling his dark hair with his fingers. He pulled the hem of his t-shirt down, hoping Danielle hadn't gotten too dressed up.
When he opened the door to greet her, he was shocked to see that she had barely gotten dressed at all.
He barely had a moment to take in the black leather, red lace and sharp stilettos before she pushed him back against the wall, slamming the door behind her.
"Hello, James," she said casually, as if her leg was not wrapped around his waist.
"Hey," he replied gruffly. "Uhm, what are you-?"
"Do you really need to finish that question, James?" Danielle's lips formed the words carefully, slowly, red lips against white teeth. James bit his bottom lip. She didn't look plain at all anymore.
"Why?" he asked instead, his eyes traveling down to her chest.
"Why the hell not?"
James, quickly realizing that he enjoyed this surprise, pulled Danielle's other leg up around him and kissed her neck, walking them to the couch, where he lay down with her and began kissing the length of her body. The happiness that she radiated was diluted now, mixed with lust and something else... James came up to those red lips, his eyelids heavy, and he kissed her.
Which, of course, gave her the perfect opportunity to reach up and slit his throat.

He tasted just as delicious as he looked.

Germerica: A Bearded Nation.

hey, guys! bethany made a new blog post, so i figure i'll follow in her footsteps, as always. here i am! what do i have to tell you about today? more worthless junk! hurrah! hurrah!
first off: CYBERNATIONS. GERMERICA. bad-ass. Germerica is my nation. i'm dan the WOman. Germerica is a brilliant, brilliant nation... waaaaaaaaaah! it's ranked #24,572 of 28,783 nations (85.37%)... but it's getting better every day. hells yeah. i try and check up on it daily. i can thank my buddy, the bearded man, for getting me involved with an addicting game. i like ruling my own totalitarian nation. i don't like my citizens' choice in religion, but whatever... the bearded man is one great nerd of a guy. his nation kicks my nation's ass. he says i should pass a law in my nation that states that every male citizen must have a beard. i agree wholeheartedly. every dude in my nation needs to be able to grow and maintain a beard. beardless children must stay in boarding schools until they have beards. (no. i can't actually do this on cybernations. if only, if only.)
let's see... uhhhhhhh. i'm grounded again... yeah. i'm kind of unhappy with that right now. it's a lovely day today, and i want to go out. i haven't been uptown - or is it downtown? - in a while, and i really want to see my quaint city in leafless autumn. i feel so very distant from my beloved city of floaters. i feel like (SECRET FRIEND) gets to be out and about all the time, but i don't get to be. you know what? i don't even know what (SECRET FRIEND) does with her life. she's involved with some nasty stuff, i know, so i only think that she goes around town a lot. truth is, she probably just hangs out in some smoky basement somewhere. no offense, (SECRET FRIEND).
uhm... yeah, i'm not doing much in my life. i don't need to do anything. i'm just so damn happy, and i'm reveling in the beauty of this rare occasion. everything is so damn great! i've brushed off all the problems in my life. they're gone, even if a few friends and acquaintances have gone as well. i've made new friends in the process. and i've become more of a nerd. great. (i mean that.)

"Stik Figurs R VERSABLE"

msn drawing chats are FUN. have i ever told you to read bethany's blog? i'm certain i have, but here's a reminder: dancingonthedock.blogspot.com. yeah. we have some badass drawing chats. we make stories with little stick figures and dudes like the emo girl here. she and bethany's stick figure fell in love and went shopping. what a happy ending.

we've had other drawing chats, toooooo. liiiiiike:
yeah. bethany and i are going to make one of those fake websites to hold all of our wonderful stories. let her get me a URL real quicklike... okay, here. it's under construction right now, but in a little while, i'm sure that link will work wonders for you.
the drawings shown in this blog post are both mine. you should see bethany's. fun stuff, fun stuff. go to that fake website someday, and maybe you'll see them. you may not be entertained, since we're idiots, but you can at least try. keep an open mind to our idiocy, and maybe you'll at least crack a smile.

If Only I Had a Closet Full of Lingerie...

sigh. alright. tomorrow is the trick-or-treat night, which doesn't really concern me, but on friday, i've a party to go to, and i can't go if i don't have a costume. i want something sexy. i want something original. unfortunately, i can't be sexy because i lack the sexy clothes. i don't have corsets with cords tying 'em up in the front - one little tug, and the whole thing comes undone - so how am i supposed to be sexy? and i don't have much of anything to choose from. yes, my mom has boxes of halloween junk in the attic, but in all honesty, when you put the articles of clothing together, you don't get much of anything. and i've already used plenty of her stuff for halloween, and i don't want any repeats.
oh, well. i've plenty more halloweens in my lifetime.
college is going to be a blast.

what else is up with me?
hmmm...
i'm going to have to say... absolutely nothing. i'm bored. i've gone back to reading, and by that i mean that i dig in the school library (or rather, i ask friends for recommendations) for good books, and then i sit down and read them in one day. but if a book doesn't suit my fancy, i take ages to read it, refusing to return it without reading the whole thing first, though i really don't care how the story ends. it's something to do. or... not... do.

... i'm feeling rather blank at this precise moment. i'm not happy, nor unhappy. i'm just sitting here, occupying my time on awful websites that i haven't been on in months, maybe even years. it's boring. i'm bored.
i am dissatisfied with my life.
what's missing now?
jeebus.
hmm... maybe i've begun to see the world in a boring way. perhaps i have been placing everything into simple categories: romance, friendship, family, happy, sad. something like that. but there's so much more, i know there is. i'm probably just being silly.

i'm loving this weather. the air is brisk and cold. it's delicious. bethany and i were playing in the leaves the other day. i've got a lot of hair, and she doesn't, so i had leaves stuck all over my head, and she just had a hood full of them. the wind slammed open my door several times today. it's exciting. being outside can be great... but it's much harder to walk to school in the mornings, what with all the rain and fog and freezing weather. dad said it was snowing just a bit ago, and i missed it. that makes me sad. here's hoping that it'll snow again this week.

i've been sick lately. i'm uber runny-nosed and congested; i carried an entire box of tissues around in school and didn't have any left over the next day. worst of all, i've been getting nosebleeds. the worst i've had was three in a row, and i don't mean one per day. i mean three strong, blood-all-over nosebleeds, all within a matter of hours. and on another day, i had a huge one just before i left to walk, so i had to call the bus, climb on with a handful of tissues pressed to my nose, and avoid meeting eye contact with the staring bus-riders. at school, i learned that nosebleeds aren't so common (since when?), and soon enough everyone knew that dani had had a nice, forty-five minute nosebleed. well. yeah. you could even say it lasted the whole day, if you wanted to. every time i touched a tissue to my nose, it came away bloody. for the whole day. pretty grody.
in biology class, i found out that i have a cough. we were watching some nearly-silent documentary, and i allowed just one cough, not realizing how badly i needed to cough until i had already coughed, which i guess pulled some trigger in my body and soon enough i was damn near coughing up blood, so i sat, trembling and convulsing at my desk, trying to stay silent. it was so incredibly hard to do that i started wheezing and tears started streaming down my face. i don't think i have to tell you that when the bell rang, i rushed out of the classroom and coughed up a lung or two.

oh my god.
i'm not sure, but i don't think i cursed more than once in this post.
oh my god. someone tell me it's not true. oh! not true. i said "damn." but i didn't say my mouth's favorite word! that word that always slips out, even when i don't want it to.

(i'm so proud.)

I Am Not Leaving This House Until I Get My Coffee!

mommm! where ARE you? what happened to wednesday morning coffee trips? moooommmmmmmmmmmmmm! it's 9:15. school starts at 10. i was ready to go forty-five minutes ago. if i wasn't waiting for my mother, i would have LEFT forty-five minutes ago.
what the FUCK, mother?
what happened to the ONE bonding day, hmm? HMMM?
besiiiiiiides. i want my coffee.
it's part of my weekly ritual! i can't go without it! c'mooonnnnnnnnnnn, moooommmmmmmmmmmmmm.
ohp. nose is bleeding. gotta go.

I AM NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE ON FOOT.
I WILL WAIT FOR THAT DAMNABLE RED SUBURBAN, NO MATTER THE COST.

Mister, Are You SURE You Wanna - ... Oh. If That's What You Want.

yesterday, i got rejected for the first time since... middle school, i think. it's a crazy thing! i generally only hang around the guys that are guaranteed to be horribly desperate, which probably isn't exactly the best thing for me, because i don't like to do the rejecting, and it probably gives me a bit of an ego every now and again. but, you know. my ego's been brought down quite a bit by this rejection.
maybe i should start with the fact that this was (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex. uh... for... undisclosed reasons... she absolutely despises him and he's horribly depressed. i've been helping him. that i have. he said so himself. however, he came up with three or four excuses as to why he's not interested in me. but he does like me. PSSHHH. whatever. if you need to reject someone, tell them the whole truth! but it's okay. he was a very ... considerate ... rejector. yeah. um.
anyway, back to the point. (SECRET FRIEND) didn't want me dating her ex, so i threw a little tantrum and got her fake permission. and for what? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. whatever.
so i'm obviously kind of upset. i've been interested in a few guys since my last relationship, but i didn't want to date anyone until now. and of course i don't get my way. of course not. this is karma, you know, for being such a stupid tease. i say, "i don't feel the same way about you, but i want to stay friends," then i attach myself to that poor boy and never let go, so how's he supposed to stop having a thing for me? and now that he's finally ripped me off like a super-glued band-aid, the same thing that happened to him is happening to me. "i care about you, and you care about me. nothing will ever change that," he says. wants me to stick around, care for him some more. am i expected to get better that way? YES, GET BETTER. THIS IS A FUCKING DISEASE.
anyway. i'm trying to be optimistic. i'm certainly not one to cry over these petty things, so that's a plus, but i do get really pissy for long periods of time. crying would probably let everything out quicker, y'know? but i don't like to do it. i think i'm allergic to crying. my eyes swell up - yes, i know most people's do, but mine stay that way for a few days - and i get colds for weeks afterwards. so i'll try my hardest not to get too pissy. i could easily blame someone for all of this, but that's unfair. it's probably my fault. i don't know. but yes, this is one of my angsty teen blog posts. don't you just love me during school? :)

Magical Tea or Something.

yesterday was absolutely wonderful. now that i think about it, it couldn't be the magical tea, because i was happy all day, starting early in the morning when bethany called to tell me that i was going to be wearing her brother's jersey. hurray, hurrah! the previous evening, i had been spazzing out like none other, but with that jersey on, i suddenly felt more calm (probably 'cause i didn't want to embarrass bethany's brother). it was embarrassing when people asked me who's jersey it was, because some people were like "oooh, cute," some were just fun assholes (the words of more than one person were something along the lines of: "you wear the jersey of the person you're fucking, right? that's how it works?"), and more than one person on the football team laughed at me. but it was still fun. even weight training didn't bother me too much.
after school, i hung out with a few people for a couple of hours. they're all crazy. i was trying to convince (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex to get over her, as i always do, and the three or four of us just had random conversations while (SECRET FRIEND) peeked out from windows (sometimes running upstairs to look down from there) and from around doors to give me fucking strange faces. weirdo. eventually (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex and i realized that our big, black friend had left his cell phone, so i dug through his contacts and found my name with a little heart next to it. urgh. (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex laughed at me. we returned the phone to our big, black friend's house while i daydreamed of stabbing him in the gut. (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex suggested that we go to the restaurant where (SECRET FRIEND) works - "i'll buy," he said - and i just laughed at his silly desperation. he says that if he never saw her again, he might be happy (yeah, he's a baby), but then he tries so hard to see her. yeah. he's a bit on the criminally insane side.
when i got home, i checked the caller i.d. on my phone and called ashley back. we decided that we were going to eat at where (SECRET FRIEND) works, to be supportive. we got the buffet and ended up staying there for around three hours, giggling and making faces and drinking endless amounts of soul-warming tea, which i didn't believe was caffeinated. we stayed until (SECRET FRIEND)'s boyfriend showed up, then we paid and were given a shitload of fortune cookies and headed to howard park, where we swung and sang and giggled and acted quite high (it's the tea, i swear), running and screaming "rape!" when a truck pulled up, only to discover that it was one of our friends and his whores, then walking around discussing a homeless guy sleeping on a table, then dividing our fortune cookies and going home.
the sky was absolutely amazing last night. all the stars were completely visible, shining down on this perfect day with determined intensity. i lay under the stars for a while, thinking about how enormous the universe is, and how there are infinitely many problems out there and mine are and will always be completely insignificant. if everyone could get a perfect sky like this after a perfect day, maybe we could all realize this. if only the world could stop being so selfish and dwelling on petty problems, maybe we would be at peace with each other and with ourselves. it's easier said than done, i know, but for one night, i didn't have a care in the world.

Such Excitement!

isn't school just so exciting? oh, yes.
sigh. you know my sarcasm so well.
but i suppose it's not so bad so far. i do build up a little bit of suspense just by waiting for the class periods to end, though i tend to look like an idiot when i stare at the clock and jump up and down in my seat. i've also been trying my best to get into that state where i notice all the itty bitty things. all those tiny things that people tend to not notice. i want to love the grass between my toes, but how can i do that when i have to wear shoes and go to school? so that's one thing i miss about summer: endless barefootedness. and i want to notice the veins in the leaves, and the vast green stretched all around me, but those things will be gone just as soon as autumn gets here. i love the crisp air of autumn, but how do you focus on something you can't see?
i would very much like for my senses to mesmerize me. i want soft things to make me so euphoric that i just stop thinking altogether, just to feel. i want sights to be so breathtaking that they're mind-numbing, as well. i want sounds, any sounds, crickets, birds, winds, voices, to be music to me. i want to dance to the rhythm that i know is there in everything. i want to smell the grass, the bark on the trees, even the dirt, and know how fucking wonderful it is.
i can get into the state of mind where i feel this way, but it's so rare, and when i get into that state, i drift away from the real world and generally people start asking me what's going on, so that brings this little worried voice to my head that there is something wrong, and i dig deep down and find that wrongness that wasn't there before someone assumed it was.
but with things being the way they are right now, i don't think i have to worry about people caring if i'm totally absorbed in a blue sky. if i'm lying in the grass, it doesn't mean i'm lonely. going out and getting drenched on a rainy day does not make me an "emo." how could it? the rain is the most spectacular thing in all of iowa. i live for rainy days. it's been a while since a good rain, and the skies are unbearably clear, but i'm hoping it will rain within the next week. (it won't.)
anyway, yeah. i guess i'm not too unhappy quite yet. school's boring, but all my problems are petty or in my mind. i'll keep you updated on how i cope for the next few weeks, 'kay? ;)

Fine, Then!

you recently experienced my first mood-swingy, stubborn, unhappy blog of the school year. bethany has convinced me to keep this blog, and it didn't take much convincing. i admit that i do like to make random posts every now and again, but i probably chose the wrong blogging site and now i'm found immediately on google, which isn't fun. but that's my fault, and i suppose i can change my name on here whenever, but i'm not going to.

so, as you know, school has started back up again. my schedule is simple enough:
1: chorus (basement)/band (middle floor)
2: english 10 (middle floor)
3: spanish (top floor)
4: biology (top floor)
5: study hall (auditorium)/ weight training (bottom floor)
6: u.s. history (middle floor)
7: geometry (middle floor)

i have two lunch shifts, which is weird. especially "B" lunch. i go to study hall for twenty-some minutes, leave for lunch, and return to study hall. it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. besides, i don't have too many close friends in "B" lunch. you all know i only have three best friends, and i'm only truly comfortable with a few other people. unfortunately, i'm not very comfortable in that lunch shift. i have a lot of friendly acquaintances in there, but... urgh. oh, well. i have "C" lunch, too, and bethany and (SECRET FRIEND) are in there with me.
damn, i like having (SECRET FRIEND). she's like a friend from the shadows. nobody knooows... except there are only two people reading this blog and she's one of them. so everybody does know.

i'm already falling into guy troubles, i guess... not really troubles so much as annoyances. one guy is so totally into me that i'm very uncomfortable around him. i don't let it show, 'cause i know that these things happen, but yeah, i'm not as comfortable around him as i used to be.
i chill with a group of guys after school, but they're just a bunch of geeks that vary in shapes, sizes, and colors. i like hanging out with them, even that one who has a serious thing for me. he'll get over it, i'm sure. i'll give him some time.

i finished reading Breaking Dawn. it was really good, but i didn't like the ending. i'm sure most people did, but it just irritated me. anyway, you should read the series. even though i'm sure you and your dog have already read it.

i think i would like to change the tip of my "serious shoe." i draw on my green converse high-tops, y'know, and my left shoe is the more serious shoe while the right shoe is covered in signatures, shel silverstein poems, my comic characters, and overall silliness. they're my kind of shoes.

Hrmf... Sorry, Guys...

so, i was supposed to write a post on the beginning of the school year, which was today, but i don't think that's going to happen. i've decided that i don't enjoy blogging. what's the point? i would rather just type my thoughts on microsoft word and delete them as soon as they're done. you both know i'm an open book. i don't need complete strangers reading my thoughts, and i don't need people searching my name on google, finding this blog, and reading all my miserable rants. i think that may be what happened with 'bastian, y'know. i think he found my blog, read what i said about him and anonymous, and now he hates my guts.
so, this blog is goin' down. just giving you a little warning post. maybe it wasn't such a bad summer idea, but now it's the school year and my rants are going to get insanely contradictory and angsty. so that's my explanation.

Totally. Tripping. Shit.

so. it's 4:41 a.m. right now, which may not be a big deal to some of you night owls out there, but the thing is: i'm not tired in the least. i'm very proud of myself. 'cause i'm not going to sleep! yeah. you'll see.
wanna know my amazing story? oh, yeah. i'll tell you. 'cause you're my favorite person in the whole world, see.
you know those five-hour energy shot thingies? well, they're really gross. yeah. totally gag-making. but i can't deny that they work. nope. can't do that. i've got the shivers, and the bags under my eyes are getting darker every minute, but i am so damn proud of myself... i'm not gonna sleep until after the radio show, after my great-grandpa's birthday party, and after the ride home. chyeah. i may crash after that, but for now, things are pretty fun.
for the past five hours or so, i've been reading. that's totally weird. duuude. i haven't read much since school, y'know? books are like... an escape from your world. a distraction. i don't need a distraction during summer vacation. summer vacation is a distraction, man. but yeah, i was reading, and then i decided to play dress-up with the clothes that i actually wear. it was waaaay too entertaining. now i'm sitting here, typing this, shivering. my foot won't stop tapping. i seem to be yawning, and my eyes are getting moist again (i think the energy drink dried out my eyes or sumink, 'cause my eyes drip a lot when i'm tired, but i took the shot and my eyes didn't drip. not one bit.) the five hours is about done.
and bethany, i think you were right about the crash, 'cause i was watching the commercial and it said "no crash later*." lil' stars are like the devil, man. they tell you that you've just used a product that is lying to you.
anyway, i'm going to my friend mike's radio show (teehee, i accidentally spelled "shoe" like, twice), and that starts at seven. i would like to be early, though. he deserves a stern talking-to.
oh, and i strongly recommend The Subtle Knife, to anyone who might be reading a random blog, or maybe to (SECRET FRIEND). (SECRET FRIEND), you should read the trilogy. bethany has, and i'm working on it, so you and ashley need to.
aw, geez. i'm going to read for another forty-nine minutes or so, then i'm going to get ready and leave.
wow, blogging is fuunnn...
(not as fun as dressing up in my own clothes, though.)

I Almost Let My Guard Down There for a Tick.

there for a moment, i almost believed that teenage boys could have actual feelings.
what a silly thought!
no, it's really all about fitting in and having something even remotely close to sex, isn't it?
some guys claim that they look at certain couples and that's how they think their ideal relationship is.
i wonder if they even realize that they're basing their ideal relationship on relationships that are based on sex?
"my sister and her boyfriend," "teri and nate." babe, they all have sex.
subconscious thoughts take over a man's brain, don't they? they don't even fucking realize what they're thinking until it's too damn late.
but at least i didn't let my guard down enough to want a relationship, eh?
i'm a kid. it's best if i just get my mind off of men for long enough to bring up my GPA. i would really like to go to a certain college, and i can't go unless i'm a good student. i probably can't go anyway, since i can't afford a private school like Central... but i can have my dreams, right? hrmf. men are just distractions for women.
men can't live without sex, but women can't live without success. RIGHT?
anyway, just informing you (my two or three readers) that i have pulled my guard up all the way again. NO DISTRACTIONS THIS YEAR, OKAY?

Alright, So.

i'm done being creepy jealous girl. what in the fuck was i thinking?
i blame my period. yup. i was definitely hormonal at the time.
cough.
bet that's awkward for you, hmm?

anyhoo.

school starts up again real soon, and i am not ready for that shit.
marching band starts up even sooner.
fuck the saxophone. it's unimportant in life.
i would rather sit around all day and listen to classical music (minus saxophones) on musicovery.com.
sigh.
school. fuck school.
what good does school do?
and don't tell me "well, it educates you for the real world," because if school had never started, then we would all be dumb asses and everything would be fine. so shuddafuckup.

currently i am uninterested in dating anyone, but i do have a lot of fun toying with men. i know that some of them wouldn't date me, ever, which is great. but i'm still bitchy enough to mess with the guys that are interested.
luckily, i'm fifteen and never been kissed, so we don't have to worry about me messing around PHYSICALLY. 'sall good, right?
unless, of course, men can't take my stupid emotional fuckwittage (oh no! i've become a fuckwitter!) when all they really want is physical stuff, anyway... shiiiit. oh, well... i don't think i mess with anyone who could hurt me (anymore).

hmmm. well.
let's see.
i've been very melodramatic about my parents recently...
hmm...
been school shopping for clothes....
hmmmmm...
that's really about it. OH!
the stupid youth praise team thing!

my youth pastor, chris paul, is constantly nagging me about joining the youth praise team because he HEARD somewhere that i can sing. well, that's great, chris. i always tell him no, but i guess my word just isn't good enough. so he called my mother and told her about this damned CD that our youth praise teams were making, and of course mother just HAD to sign me up straightaway! so i was stuck spending about twenty hours on this shitty CD and did i mention i'm an ATHEIST?
gawwwd!!
you should hear this shit. the middle school praise team is seriously terrible. neither of the singers can sing and the drumming is bloody terrible.
the high school (me) is O.K., i suppose, if you like only being able to hear one person singing well and one person who constantly hits all the wrong notes...
we were at the recording studio from ten or eleven to seven-ish.
isn't that just WONDERFUL?
god DAMN it!

but, anyway. that's about it.
who reads this shit, anyway?

check out my facebook graffiti, and show your goddamn friends, goddamn it:
http://apps.facebook.com/superwall/view.php?id=1082150310&owner_id=506088354
you probably CAN'T, if you're a stranger.
so i guess you'll have to be my FRIEND, GODDAMN IT.

The Grass is Always Greener... And the Men are Always More Desirable.

right. so. i'm not unhappy, i'm just... confused. or... having fun by screwing with my own emotions. it's actually quite entertaining. you should try it some time!
here's how it goes. there's this guy who's had a thing for me since, ah, sixth grade. now, i can't stress this enough: i would not go out with him. ahem. anyway. well, recently i've been calling him every other night at 10:30. yeah. we're buds. we didn't use to be, of course. i used to hate him. he terrified me (still does). sooooo, naturally, we got pretty close and he was all lovey-dovey (hate that), so i was seriously turned off. some of the shameless flirting was funny, but you know, it just wasn't... desired. i like to deserve the praise that i'm given. i don't take compliments well, and he always complimented me. sick. blech. gross.
but now that he's got a different love interest, it's like...
hmm...
i want it.
now, "it" isn't really anything at all. i still wouldn't date the guy. he's still lovey-dovey touchy-feely. it's still repulsive. but for some reason, i just really want to steal him from her, even though i've never said a word to the girl and i've got no logical reason for hating her.
(it's just her narsty-arse teeth.)
it's just, like... hrmf. i don't really know what it's like. i suppose i want some chaos. i want to create, and what better to create than other people's misery? yesss. especially when i get to use seduction. seducing people is very, very fun. especially when you aren't actually willing to do anything with anyone. i'm a terrible person, i know, but i like having power over that guy. and even if i can't win him back, i want to rub it in his face that i was right all along and that he never "loved" me like he said. i was right all along: it was just infatuation.
"and you think you know everything," i would say.
think what you will about my cruel intentions. i'm still thinking this all over. it would be lovely to come up with a plan.

Requested by Bethany... Modified by Me.

"By God," she whispered, "Where could that spider have gone?"

Danielle, frozen with terror, sat crouched on her bed. Her eyes darted around the room, searching for the furry little arachnid.

"Fuck," she murmured, relaxing a bit. "It's just a little spider. What's it gonna do?"

"Oh, I'll tell you what I'll do," came a voice. "I'll crawl into your open mouth when you're asleep. I'll make an egg sack on your tonsil, and in the morning I'll be vacationing in your left lung."

"EEEEEEEK!" Danielle ran up the stairs to her parents.

"What's the matter with you?" her dad asked.

"There's a spider in my room. I don't know where he is, but he's going to make an egg sack on my tonsil and vacation in my left lung."

"Are you retarded?" her mom spat, staring Danielle down.

Danielle glared. "Thanks for helping with my self-esteem, Mom. And no, I'm not retarded. I swear to God, there is a spider in my room and it talks. And it has every intent on filling my lungs up with spiders. In a few weeks, I'll have spiders pouring from my mouth and nose. You'll see. You'll all see."


And oh, did they ever.
In a few weeks, Danielle lay seizing on her bed, spiders pouring from her mouth and nose, laughing all the way.

It's Been A Little While, Eh?

well, hello. didn't expect to see you here.

anyhoo, i've decided that i should listen to my friends and make a new post, no matter how retarded and unorthodox it may be.

i suppose a few things are new with me. nothing important, of course; i don't do anything. i suppose i could tell you about Brandon Hardesty. he's this guy on youtube i've been watching a lot. i first saw him a couple years ago when he did Strange Faces and Noises I Can Make. he's pretty damn great. i'm one of the crazy psycho chicks with creepy commentary. sometimes i even warn him before i say something. for instance: "creepy commentary: aww, aren't you adorable when you're staring into the nothing?" stuff like that. he's really funny, you should go check him out. but there's no way you love him more than i do.
just kidding.
kind of.

um... let's see, what else is there? i suppose i should say something about my bizzare obsession with Canada? yeah... well... i don't really know. i just have an obsession with Canada. Canadian accents make me giggle. Ireland's pretty sweet, too. Irish accents are extremely sexy. British, too. that one's a given. bloody brilliant, they are.
hmm. i just have an overall obsession with accents. um... yeah. whatever...

you see why i shouldn't be blogging, bethany and (SECRET FRIEND)? i have nothing to blog about. now i'm very angry with the both of you. grrr! roar.

hm... there's my cat... he got mauled by some unknown creature. his nose is all cut up and bloody and his right hind leg was like, shredded. he can't even let it touch the ground when he sits. mysteriously, my other cat also had a limp.
hmm. i wonder what happened there.

the interwebs suck. people can never tell if i'm being sarcastic or not.
(SECRET FRIEND) convinced me to go back to www.runescape.com, which is okay... but i'm getting sick of it already. i mean, come on. being a female knight is pretty cool and all, but geez. i don't even like to work on my combat level. i don't really like to work on any of my levels. (SECRET FRIEND) brought up her fishing and cooking levels by like thirty levels in one day. i don't like cooking, and i always go back and forth from the island Karamja and the bank in Draynor Village, so it takes me a little while. i also like to go sell my lobsters at the Grand Exchange. so i don't get much leveling up done, and some of the people on runescape seriously annoy me. especially the guys who befriend me, laugh when i tell them about the twelve-year-old who asked me out online, and then ask me out.
1: i don't know you.
2: i could be a fifty-year-old with fourteen eyes and tentacles.
3:i don't WANT to know you.
4: YOU could be a fifty-year-old with fourteen eyes and tentacles.

hmmmmmm.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

(SECRET FRIEND) and bethany, you got your post. now you know why i didn't want to do it. so nyeh. consider my non-active lifestyle before you ask for new blog posts. :)

Summer Vacation So Far

summer vacation seems to be quite nice for me so far. i've been sitting on my ass doing nothing for most of the time, because...

i am:

6. a video-game junkie.
i've been playing paper mario nonstop for a few days now. literally nonstop. (SECRET FRIEND) got pissed at me because i ignored the phone when she called three or four times. oh, well. paper mario's kind of fun. i'm on the, uh, shadow queen now, and damn. game over. well, anyway.
i've decided that mustaches define manliness. i mean, just look at mario! he's the manliest man of all men! and just look at that mustache!

he is the manliest man of all. and ADORABLE, too! i love me some mario. but why does luigi get a mustache? luigi is a total fag. yuck. just look at HIM.

faggot.


well, anyway. i've done a few other things during the summer vacation. i hung out at spruce cabin with my friends, just like i do every year. it was pretty exciting. if you want to hear about it, i suggest you go read about it on bethany's blog: Dancing on the Dock.
i, uh, went to the art walk and abruptly left... (free hugs shirts aren't good for me. physical touchy = no no.)
and i went to see the show Pippin at the Stephen Sondheim center last night. it was a cool show. yeah. so.
um, yeah. that's what i've done so far this summer, but i'm totally mellowed out. it's sweet. i actually called this creep that has had a thing for me since sixth grade, sebastian, and i wasn't angry at him for once. we're buds, but we usually have some major problems. well, with me all chill, i pretty much love everyone right now. i have my moments, but whatever. i'm actually kind of happy. i definitely just needed a break from school. phew.

Accepting the Fact That All Men are Swine

well, i've accepted it before, but then i ignored my instincts and went back to believing that they could be good. well, they can't. men are dirty pigs that are completely engrossed in sexual desire. all of them. every single one.

i don't see what the big deal is. sex doesn't seem fun at all. it sounds painful, repulsive, embarrassing. that's how i think of it. i honestly don't know how it feels, but i can't imagine it feels very good. i suppose i'm one of the very few people in this world who still think that way. i suppose i'm kind of old-fashioned there. but whatever.

we were put on this planet to reproduce, so sex is mandatory. if you want babies. i don't understand kissing, either... why? just... why? who decided it would be a good idea to suck on someone's lips? i hate them. they're retarded.

i bet it was a man.

i would never be with a woman, don't get me wrong. there's no point. you can't have kids when you're with the same sex, and since we're put on the planet to make babies, we're put on this planet to be heterosexual. i suppose being homosexual is alright since our population is insane, but i don't understand bisexuals. i have my own not-so-nice theories on that.

men are great, honest to god. they're just filthy swine.

oink, oink.

Having a Wonderific Day

last night i was having a panic attack because i needed to get a speech done so that i could go to the movies. i was grounded because i was failing speech class, and my mother has taken away everything i love. those are her words, not mine. she even took away soy milk. well, anyway, i was freaking out about my entire future. i thought that if i didn't get this speech done, i would have to take hucke's class next year, which is supposedly really hard. then i would fail speech for all four years of high school, wouldn't be able to graduate, and would lead a horrid life. i was totally freaking out. i was even getting a wee bit suicidal.
with a little help from some friends, i was able to settle down and suddenly i was totally happy. i had this sudden burst of inspiration and confidence, and easily did a speech on Pluto. i don't think it will actually reach the ten minute mark as required, but at least now i can pass hosbond's speech class. i won't be grounded during the summer, like i was planning on being, and i'll be free to have all the fun i can handle (not much). i'll be able to go to my friends' traditional cabin trip and tent-in-bethany's-backyard trip at the end of the summer, which is what i look forward to every year. the tent-in-bethany's-backyard trip is always really awesome. the first year we did it, we sat around and stared at the stars. we always have really deep conversations, which isn't normal for us. that's why i always really love this particular get-together. we get really insightful, but we still have so much fun with it. we wished on three shooting stars that year. i'm not entirely sure what i wished for, and i doubt i got it, but it was still fucking sweet.
last year we hung out with beth's brother and her brother's best friend. it was great. they chased us around a lot. (SECRET FRIEND) and ashley were captured immediately, while i ran for my life and threw myself in the tick-infested, tall grass in some ditch. i kind of got tired of the silence, so i snuck up behind the tent and listened to (SECRET FRIEND), ashley, bethany's bro, and bro's best friend plot against me and bethany. i walked up behind a bush, and suddenly bethany was talking to me. she was in the bush, so i got in, too. we listened to them as they tried to remember my name and called bethany a bitch. it was really quite amusing. they never found us. later that night, bro and friend showed up with shaving cream and sprayed us like mad. we drew smiley faces on one another's shirts and blah, blah, blah. it was fun. it ended very interestingly, i can tell you that much. ...if i could go back in time, i would try and change that interesting ending by just a little bit. or maybe it's better this way. yeah. maybe.

but, anyway, my point is that i was really wanting to go to the tent-in-bethany's-backyard thing, and now i probably can!

FUCK YEAH!

The Day of Graduation (Not Mine)

well. today, as a freshman in the band, i was required to go to the high school and sit on my ass in the burning sun for hours and hours. of course, being me, i wore all black. long sleeves, long pants. my mistake, but whatever.

my brother, eric, is/was in the class of 2008, so he graduated. i cheered for him when he got his diploma, but do i get any thanks? no. i waited around for him in the commons, and when he saw me, he just shoved his tie in my hands, said "danielle, take this home," and walked away. well, that's okay.
today's been kind of cool. i saw an old friend, hugged a friends brother on several occasions, and got a hug from mr. hucke. every time i see mr. hucke, i tell him "i don't know you, but i love you," so he's come to expect it. we were both at a grad party, and as hucke was about to leave, he looked at me expectantly and did a little girly-wave, so of course i said it. but i wasn't expecting him to laugh and give me a hug! brilliant.

it's kind of weird to think that i've only got three years before i'm going to be the one graduating. my little brothers will cheer for me, and i'll be rude to them if they want to say good-bye to me. i'll be one of the students who is not given an award, and one of the very few who is truly hurt by that. but i know it's up to me, really. i haven't started out very well, but with a little extra effort, maybe i could do alright. i could certainly get back into theatre, that's for sure. one of my teachers is constantly nagging me about joining speech team. maybe i'll listen to him next year. maybe i'll even do musicals and shit.

nonetheless, i think it'll be weird without my brother around to be a complete asshole. he's only staying at our house for a couple of weeks and then he's out of here. well, here's to you, eric. i hope you don't regret not going to college.

Anyway, This is What I Am.

i am:

1. extraordinarily innocent.
you wouldn't think it, but i have not done a single illegal or dirty thing in my entire life. i am entirely clean.
(my mind may be smudged ever so slightly, though.)

2. torturer of ants.
i have a venus flytrap. his name is stanley, he lives in the middle of a bowl of water, and he is my dearest pet. i like to feed him bugs. i caught an ant quite recently and deserted him on stanley island, where he was pushed into the water and shoved onto stanley's many heads. well, when my back was turned, the ant jumped off the island and drowned.
what a psycho.

3. not too bad at drawing, writing, or singing.
i like to do all of these things. well, mostly. i haven't written much of anything recently because i've been suffering from minor whothehellami-itis. i don't know what genre interests me. so whatever.
i'm more of a cartoonist than any other kind of artist. i'm terrible with any kind of paint, possibly just as bad with oil pastels. i have a comic: Dumbfounded: Somebody Loves You (But No One Important). the only characters are bethany, (SECRET FRIEND), ashley, and myself. galen hawthorne used to be in it, but i don't really have any need for him anymore. i'll most likely keep you up to date on my comics, i think.
my singing's not horrible. i don't really know how to sing, if you know what i mean. bethany knows how to sing because she's had lessons all her life, and that's obvious. i've never had a lesson. i've just been in chorus and ensemble for ages now, so i sort of know what i'm doing. my mother also tried all too hard to teach me how to harmonize when i was very young. of course i'm an alto now. thanks, mom.

4. unstable.
i've been put on antidepressants more than once. i'm not on them now, though. 'sall good, i can assure you.

5. half-adopted.
confused?
ah, well.
when i was three, my biological father nearly killed my mother. he left us, and my brother, eric, and i would go see him every other weekend. all the time! well, his first girlfriend, deanna, was amazing. she and her family took us up, no problem. her mom still calls me "grandbaby." well, for some reason rusty (bio. dad) dumped her and started dating this crazy, unstable bitch named rachel. well, rachel apparently told rusty that fairies visited her in her grandma's attic and told her that rusty had to choose between her or his kids. so rusty signed legal papers to disown us. asshole.
so my mom got married to this guy, lyle, and he adopted us.
eric had no problem with it, but i didn't call him my dad for years. my mom tried everything, even bribery. well, i don't remember how she got me to do it, but i started calling him my dad (unwillingly) and still do (less unwillingly).
so that's that.

6. something else. i'll figure some things out for you.

Because Bethany Did it First.

i am making this blog because bethany started it.
yeah. that's right, bethany.

anyway. i'm dani hannes, and i'm here for the sex.