I'm Absolutely Positive That I Have No Idea

how do you tell if someone's waiting on you, anyway? i mean, if you're waiting on them and they're waiting on you, you don't get anywhere. but how do you know? and how do you know if you want to get somewhere? i don't know what i want. well, i do: fun. but i don't know if i want to jump into fun things that can become NOT fun. and i don't think i want to be committed. i don't want to be stuck to some specific person or thing, 'cause then if someone or something else comes up, i can't have fun. i like to act on impulse, and setting up dates is no fun, but it seems to be the only way that two people can hang out. it's rare that anyone ever pops up on my front porch like, "HEY! wanna go see a movie?" in fact, that has never happened. i wouldn't mind going on dates, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i would like to be in a relationship. i don't know. can't i just hang out with my guy friends? and can't they get the nerve to ask? and when they ask, can't i get the nerve to say yes? and can't i get permission from mom? jesus. so many factors in these situations.
i don't like to be vulnerably in lust. having feelings for someone makes me jumpy and nervous and unhappy. i can't stand it. recently i've been avoiding having serious feelings for guys, but i've been enjoying their company more and more. how do i do it, you ask? sheer willpower, my darlings. also, ego. my ego is so gigantic that it's blocking my view of the world around me. don't be me. i'm having fun, but i'm a jackass. don't be dani! do not, i repeat: do not be dani.
i have this problem where i make people out to be someone they're not. so i imagine that they're all cuddly and selfless and great at consoling me when i need it, when in reality they're none of those things. i need to face the facts, really. not every guy is intelligent enough, not every guy is accepting enough, selfless enough, caring enough, kind, loving, understanding, cool, fun, great enough. and no guy could possibly understand my constant urge to wear a plastic crown or wear a tie to bed. no guy would hang out with me in town when i'm dressed as Hobo Dani. besides, i like to be alone. i almost always have more fun with me than i do with anyone else. so if i wanted to have some plain-old-dani time and my beau called me up, i would feel like he was being awfully clingy and i wouldn't be happy. but if he didn't show interest in me one day, i would start freaking out about how he must not like me as much as i thought he did and yada-yada. it seems that no one can love me enough, but everyone can love me too much. who knows what the hell my problem is. oh, well.
anyway, if some dude can really handle all my impulsiveness, moodiness, and desire to be as loud as humanly possible at all times, i will be seriously impressed. but until that day, i'll have my many suitors to play my games with. and they can play back, if they're clever enough. hopefully they won't outwit me. that leaves me in quite the vulnerable state. but they've got to catch me off-guard and say something insanely flirtacious. that'll make me freeze up terribly. it's so much easier on the internet. those boys just don't know what hit 'em. (even thirty-year-olds are impressed by my allure. long story.)
'kay. i hope i've inspired someone... to do something... maybe i've inspired someone to punch me in the face. if i have, please make it a point to give me a black eye. i've always wanted one. :)