Excessive Worrying: Junior Year?!

our school schedules are finally up on the fairfield school website. mine goes like this:

1. select choir (A day) / band (B day)
2. spanish 2 (love it)
3. composition (HOLY SHIT)
4. algebra 2 (FUCK)
5. advanced art (yay! i love you)
'A' lunch
forum
6. biology 2 (JESUS CHRIST)
7. P.E.

now, i must tell you how i feel about my seventh period class. in our school, we are required to take a physical education class. that's no big deal, i can deal with that... but if we're forced to exercise, we should have a choice as to how we do it. we used to be able to choose P.E. or weight training, and i enjoyed weight training. i've never been much for P.E. we've done it since elementary, and i was so relieved to be away from it for the last four years of school. now they've taken away weight training from us! we are young adults, and we should be learning to make decisions for ourselves. sure, "P.E. or weight training?" isn't really an important decision to make, but it's something.

it doesn't make sense to me how this is going to work. we've got a whole lot of students. when we had weight training and p.e., they sometimes had to split classes down the middle so that one half went to the weight room and the other stayed in the gym. now everyone's combined? how does that work! i would very much like to petition against this, but i've never petitioned against anything in my life (though i've always wanted to).

my whole schedule just looks more terrifying than any of them i've had so far. last year was as easy as an thirteen year old girl with no daddy. my classes were relaxed and sometimes fun. composition scares the crap out of me! i like to write, but i never finish what i start. i had this story in eighth grade that went on for 149 pages (though i admit that they were double-spaced), but that was just the beginning! if i had continued, there would be so much more to it. things don't just end. if you're writing a story about someone, it should go to the very end of their lives. their story doesn't just end, you know? it's just hard for me to end what i start writing. luckily, though, i have bethany in comp with me.

i always have ashley in my math class. it's really fortunate for me, because i stopped liking math after sixth grade. it was my favorite then, and i did really well, but then i got sent to advanced math the next year and decided that i hated it. it was no fun without mr. bradfield, whom i really liked for some reason. he was a good teacher, though the majority of students seemed to hate him. so i suffered through eighth grade math while i was in seventh grade, and then in eighth grade i started out with ninth grade math and eventually decided, "fuck it. i'm not doing my homework anymore," and opted out of advanced math. so, yeah, i took eighth grade math one and a half times.

so that's why it's great to have ashley in math with me. sometimes neither of us know what we're doing, but usually one of us knows something and then we work together to get the nerve to ask for help. and if we don't ask for help, it's usually her who knows what she's doing. i'm really great at some of the things that she doesn't know much about, but usually she's good with the majority of things, and i don't know what the fuck she's talking about. she's much better at math than i am.

biology 2 is another scary class. we don't have mrs. septer anymore, which depresses the hell out of me because she is the best teacher ever. not only is she fucking crazy, but she's really great at teaching and planting the facts in our brains. she doesn't just tell us that "this is how it is," but she tells us "this is how it is and here's an innuendo that'll help you remember it." i didn't speak to her much at all in the two years i had her, but on the last day of sophomore year, i spun around in the hall and yelled, "mrs. septer, i know i didn't talk to you or anything while in your classes, but i'm really going to miss having you." surprisingly, she replied with, "dani, i know what you mean. i always really looked forward to getting your papers and seeing all of your drawings and commentary. that's what i'll miss most about you."

i am lucky to have ashley and evan in my lunch shift, though i don't think ashley is happy about it. there is nothing that bethany and ashley hate more than being stuck with "the couple." evidently, no matter where we are or what we're doing, evan and i are all over each other. i hardly even notice anymore. it's just instinct at this point. my nerves just scream, "LOOK, IT'S EVAN! QUICK, GIVE HIM AN INAPPROPRIATELY SWEET HUG IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!" we try to be a bit more discreet with our school ground kisses, but once mrs. septer caught us and screamed very comically. she told the whole class that i had been "sucking face" in the hall, though evan and i only give little pecks good-bye before classes.

there are also the lunch ladies, who all have an eye on me because my grandma is a "substitute lunch lady" and knows them all very well. every lunch lady knows that i'm marilyn's granddaughter. i like the lunch ladies, though. the vegetable lady doesn't even bother with me anymore. she just gives me a look, and i grin and pass her repugnant green vomit. anyway, evan and i have to hide from the lunch ladies when we kiss after lunch or they'll tell my grandma. grandma has called me on more than one occasion just to tell me that i can't date until i'm thirty and that i had better not be kissing that boy because i'm giving him the wrong idea. she's not serious, of course, and she knows very well that i am dating evan. she's fun like that.

it's just scary to think that i've only got two more years before high school is done. i mean, i haven't even got my license. i am getting a car in a matter of days, though. i've already picked out my car creeper and everything! i don't know what to name him, but it'll hit me as soon as i buy him and strap him into my back seat. i'm getting a beamer. or... i think that's what it's called... it's a BMW, anyway. i'm spoiled out of my mind. i grew up poor and now my mom's the most well-known photographer in the area and now she can afford to spoil me, i guess. i feel bad, though, because i intended to pay for my car's insurance, but now the car's coming too soon and i still haven't got a job.

i've got marching band in three hours. phooey. evan's a drum major, did you know? it'll take some getting used to, but i think i'll eventually be happy to have him lurking around the field while we march. though last year he was only three places away from me and would walk over and hang all over me during breaks, even though we weren't dating. i'll miss that, but it won't be so different. and he can help me mark my music! because i'm going to make him help me. i would have bethany help, but she's so far away from me when we march. for a lot of the march, i'm the second closest person to the front of the field. bethany's in the middle. i'm happy, though, because i got placed in between one of my favorite sophomores and a timid freshman. my first words to her were, "hey, are you a freshman? are you terrified out of your mind by all of this?" and she was. i've introduced myself to her as the most incompetent upperclassman in the band. i've told my sophomore that he is my guide, and that all of my steps will be his responsibility. i'm not going to be the asshole upperclassman that screams at the underclassman about being half a step off of where they should be. i'm not such a moron that i can't tell what's right and what's wrong about marching - it comes naturally after a certain point - but i'm not going to scream at poor, scared freshmen.

i can't, actually, because that would make me a total and complete hypocrite.

I Am A Female On The Internet, Hear Me Whine.

i have been feeling strange as of late. i've been crazy moody, but never angry. it has been like this: contentedness, FRENZIED PANIC, bliss, HORRIFIED SOBS, euphoria, OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE! of course i laugh at myself the whole time, like, "what the fuck? ha-ha, i'm such a crazy schizo person," but it does get to me a bit.

i wasn't able to tell what was wrong with me for the longest time, because i refuse to think. but i finally allowed some thought to the problem, and i've realized that i'm just a big baby. i don't want to grow up, and that is my problem. of course i kept taking it back to evan, telling myself that the only reason i was so upset was because i was in a relationship. i don't know why i do that. evan is one of the four people out there who can always, always make me happy. he's not the problem at all. well... maybe a little bit. being in a relationship certainly can't stay innocent and childish forever, and that terrifies me. i also realized that i am too dependent on him and his car, because i really don't want my license and he takes me wherever i need to go.

bah. it's pathetic that i've been so sad about growing up. i suppose it's just that i'm going to be a junior and i realize that i've taken school so lightly and i slacked off and messed around and how will i ever get a job? (by the way, i like making long sentences like that, shut up.) it's really too late to fix my GPA. well, not too late, but... i know i'm not going to take this next year seriously, either. it's not that i'm trying to rebel or anything ridiculous like that, it's just that, well... it's no fun. i like fun! fun is good! schoolwork is not fun, therefore it is not good. this is one of the things about me never growing up that affects me negatively. if something isn't fun, i won't do it. if something is fun but it hurts someone else, hell if i care. i only think about it and feel bad after i've done it.

what really sucks about my current, self-induced misery is that there is no solution that lets me have my way. the only thing to do is to give in and grow up. i should maybe brush off my main distraction for a bit, practice my driving, and get my license. that's the biggest thing, i think. dad has been angry with me because i refuse to get a license, and that upsets me a little. i don't understand it, though; does he want to waste money on a car for me? but when i get my license, i'll have to get a real job so that i can pay for gas and insurance and i just don't want to do it. jobs aren't fun! i don't want a job, so i don't want a car, so i don't want my license, so i don't want to grow up.

i need some chocolate ice cream, but i don't have a car and i think that evan has decided not to come over today.
see my problem?

on another note: HAVE I BECOME BORING? OHMIGOD ANOTHER THING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.

Green Grass! Lilacs! Swine Flu!

oh, how i love my silly adolescent body and mind. everything's so critical and explosive. oh, no! my friend got mad at me. it's the end of the world! but everything works out just fine. it always does. friends don't stay mad because they're friends, and they're not there to be angry with you. they're there to love you, and that's just what they'll do. and i love them, and i don't mean to make them angry, but it happens. i'm sorry that i upset you at times, friends. you upset me sometimes, too. mostly you just make me sad on occasion, but i don't mind. that's just how i know that i love you: even if you punched me in the face, i would still go back to you afterward.

there's something about spring that just makes me want to do everything. i want to go have that midnight picnic with bethany and ashley, i want to buy streamers with those two and whoever else and run around town with the streamers flying behind us, i want to have rubber ducky races, i want to go fishing, i want to enjoy myself!

i was grounded for a while because i was failing weight training, but now i'm not! unfortunately, i broke the rules the day before i was ungrounded. if i could have waited just one more day before deciding to have evan over, i would be free to go to the art walk tomorrow night with bethany, ashley, and (SECRET FRIEND), who is usually working during art walks. and my grandpa's band, Van and The Movers, is playing on the gazebo in the square! i've waited an eternity for him to play again, and now i'm going to miss it? i suppose there is the slightest chance that my parents will let me go, but i'm thinking that i'll have to agree to do a shit ton of chores before they even consider it.

school and i are fighting currently. he (school is a he because it is an asshole) decided to slam a bunch of projects on me at one time - history, biology, and spanish - and i just won't have it. he can kiss my ass. oh, well. it's not like i'm the only person doing projects. and i wasn't the only person who ran the mile, either, and i even wasn't the only person who ran it in a terrible time. i wasn't the only person to finish last in their class. granted, i was the only person to finish last in my class, but that's a given. i don't care about weight training in the least. the mile left me kind of comfortably in pain, and i even felt like i got to do it again after school, when i had to get to the radio station as quickly as possible to galen and evan's show (Midweek Songstreak - wednesdays at 4-5 on 100.1 KRUULP, Fairfield, IA) after i found out that i was ungrounded. everything's awesome.

everything is so awesomely awesome.

Christmas? New Year's? Nah. I Would Rather Complain.

well, hello. i hope you all had the most fantastic holiday season of your life. i hope you got all the presents you wanted, made realistic new year's resolutions, and spent lots of quality time with your family and friends. i know i did. but, as the title of this post implies, i'm not going to talk about that right now.
instead, i would like to talk to you about school. fun, right?
well. it's sunday. tomorrow is the day i dread, for that is when my winter vacation comes to an abrupt end. i'll get up at 6:30 to get a big "good morning!" from my fifty- or forty-something degree room. i'll tear my retainers out of my mouth, throw myself into a scalding hot shower, and after that, i'll be greeted again by my freezing bedroom, where i will throw on my favorite and over-worn pair of jeans and one of my new t-shirts. then i'll go stand outside and wait for the bus for twenty fucking minutes, and i'll be on my way. exciting, right? i fucking know. and then, oh, and then, i'll either endure through shitty choir and sing retarded songs, or i'll sit in band with new songs, a broken saxophone, and a complete lack of enthusiasm. second period will be great, because we were supposed to read all of The Midnight Assassin and i'm only on chapter nine. sixth period will be heavenly as well, because that's U.S. History, which is definitely not my favorite subject (what do i care what this stupid country has accomplished?) and we had some big-ass assignment that i could not finish because i was sick, then we had snow days, and i'm the best at procrastinating... but i don't have any more room to procrastinate... see, we had to write our outlines on this stupid Inspiration 8 program that i do not have at home, so i couldn't send it to myself and grah. ms. gevock says that that particular assignment can make me fail the class. great. that's just what i need. another reason for me to be grounded and another big scratch on my college plans.
oh, who needs college? you know, i've always wanted to go, ever since i was a little kid, and i always knew i would be the one person in my family to finish... but it's not going to happen. i've been thinking just recently, and i wonder if i should just get a winnebago and drive around the continent, stopping to smell the roses every now and again. i can let my hair grow long and unruly, enjoy nature, and meet thousands of amazing people on my adventures. i don't know how i'll make money... i haven't figured that part out yet... but perhaps it will have something to do with writing. now, i know you can't tell from this blog, because i don't capitalize and i'm not trying to impress you, but i can write. i think. i'm pretty good, and with a few more classes, maybe composition and journalism, or instead of journalism, advanced comp., depending on how difficult regular-type comp. is, i can learn and improve on my writing ability. so there. maybe i can sell a couple of books, make some dough, drive around some more, sell some cartoons just for fun, try to sell more books... i suppose it would be pretty difficult, if i cared about cash too much. but i figure i won't spend much anyway, so as long as i've got money gas, food, and 'bago bills - how would they send them to me, i wonder? - i would be fine. well... it sounds like fun to wander, but i doubt it'll happen.
so if i don't go to college, and i don't wander, what will i do? i guess only time will tell. whatever happens, happens, right? whatever. if i don't like how things end up, i'm sure i can alter them somehow.

Fine, Then!

you recently experienced my first mood-swingy, stubborn, unhappy blog of the school year. bethany has convinced me to keep this blog, and it didn't take much convincing. i admit that i do like to make random posts every now and again, but i probably chose the wrong blogging site and now i'm found immediately on google, which isn't fun. but that's my fault, and i suppose i can change my name on here whenever, but i'm not going to.

so, as you know, school has started back up again. my schedule is simple enough:
1: chorus (basement)/band (middle floor)
2: english 10 (middle floor)
3: spanish (top floor)
4: biology (top floor)
5: study hall (auditorium)/ weight training (bottom floor)
6: u.s. history (middle floor)
7: geometry (middle floor)

i have two lunch shifts, which is weird. especially "B" lunch. i go to study hall for twenty-some minutes, leave for lunch, and return to study hall. it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. besides, i don't have too many close friends in "B" lunch. you all know i only have three best friends, and i'm only truly comfortable with a few other people. unfortunately, i'm not very comfortable in that lunch shift. i have a lot of friendly acquaintances in there, but... urgh. oh, well. i have "C" lunch, too, and bethany and (SECRET FRIEND) are in there with me.
damn, i like having (SECRET FRIEND). she's like a friend from the shadows. nobody knooows... except there are only two people reading this blog and she's one of them. so everybody does know.

i'm already falling into guy troubles, i guess... not really troubles so much as annoyances. one guy is so totally into me that i'm very uncomfortable around him. i don't let it show, 'cause i know that these things happen, but yeah, i'm not as comfortable around him as i used to be.
i chill with a group of guys after school, but they're just a bunch of geeks that vary in shapes, sizes, and colors. i like hanging out with them, even that one who has a serious thing for me. he'll get over it, i'm sure. i'll give him some time.

i finished reading Breaking Dawn. it was really good, but i didn't like the ending. i'm sure most people did, but it just irritated me. anyway, you should read the series. even though i'm sure you and your dog have already read it.

i think i would like to change the tip of my "serious shoe." i draw on my green converse high-tops, y'know, and my left shoe is the more serious shoe while the right shoe is covered in signatures, shel silverstein poems, my comic characters, and overall silliness. they're my kind of shoes.