I Adore You, Blue Lava Lamp.

man, if i could stay up for all hours of the night, it would be so wonderful. maybe i would get so bored that i would have no choice but to do my homework. maybe being an insomniac would give me some extra hours to get motivated and get stuff done. all that extra time would also force me to actually think. i try to distract myself from thinking about important things, like college and career choices and the possibility of settling down one day. i guess i'm counting on my charm and wit to get me out of those situations somehow. i know i've got to get my shit together and start doing well in school so i can get into a good college and get a good job and live a good life, but knowing you have to do something and actually doing it are two entirely different things. eh, i guess it doesn't really matter, anyway. it's not like i'm failing or anything.
on an entirely different note: i can see why my friend evan is so tired all of the time. he wakes up at the crack of dawn to do some stupid-ass extracurricular activity, he sticks around after school to do more stupid-ass extracurricular activities, and to top it all off, he has been listening to a lot of Mogwai, which is some indie instrumental band. i've been listening to Mogwai radio on pandora tonight, and it's so mellow and relaxing that i kind of want to go to sleep and maybe wake up in some serene, silent place where i can proceed to go back to sleep in the soft grass. i'm enjoying it. i'll probably definitely use Mogwai as a sleep aid tonight (if my homeless older brother doesn't show up and take the laptop from me), so maybe i'll sleep tight and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow.
i kind of don't know what i'm doing right now. with anything, i mean. i'm just floating along, observing the speech team, which is all stressed out about state, which is this saturday. it seems a bit silly, really. everyone's so determined to get me to join speech team, but watching them just makes me want to stay away. they all hate each other at this point, because they want their groups to be perfect, and if anyone's flawed in any way, their team gets all pissed off and snaps at them. bethany never liked her musical theatre group much, and we could tell, on stage. i don't think the audience (the audience that knew the actors and actresses, anyway) would be surprised if someone wigged out and punched a co-star in the face. and it's all about blaming others at this point! everyone's all, "oh, so-and-so doesn't even care about this group," "so-and-so is ruining this whole act," whatever. i'm not pointing fingers at individuals, because it seems as if the majority of people in speech team are doing it. i'm not irritated by it, i guess, because i understand that they're all really stressed, and when it's all over, they'll be good friends again. but i don't want to be that chick that gets blamed for the lameness of a team, you know? the newbie who hasn't had a voice lesson or acting lesson in her life, the insecure spaz who freaks out when asked to do anything at all. i would blame me, sure! it would probably definitely be my fault if the group i was in sucked majorly. oh, well. i guess i'm expected to be that chick next year, because i signed a contract.
i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. am i supposed to be in a cutesy little relationship right about now, making cutesy little plans for prom, buying a cutesy little WAY TOO EXPENSIVE dress? am i supposed to be looking forward to valentine's day? i mean, i've no reason to. i, um, disposed of my one main suitor, and though i may have a couple of others, i don't expect anything from them. they're a couple of my better friends, and i don't think they would try and be all mushy with me. am i supposed to be looking forward to my "sweet sixteenth"? it's on the nineteenth. seven forty-five A.M., to be exact. sixteen, man! i should be getting my license, driving out to pick up my friends and have a grand ole' time, but i've only driven twice, so obviously i haven't taken driver's ed. eh, driving isn't really something i want to do. it would be fun to be able to go anywhere i wanted at any time, but i would get creepy or something. i would probably drive to peoples' houses and leave things on their doorsteps. i'm sure i would get my revenge on bethany for giving me a can of (whisper) peas for my fourteenth birthday... anyway, what's so "sweet" about being sixteen? it's half way to thirty-two, which is half way to sixty-four! sixty-four is old! i don't want to be old. old people are gross. ack! at this pace, i'll have a mid-life crisis by the time i'm twenty.
what's so freakin' exciting about prom, anyway? i swear, if i hear one more word about that silliness in my history class, i will turn around and punch the speakers in their perfect, smiling mouths. i guess prom is alright this year, because it's at the new civic center, and the theme is marti gras. but still. what is prom for? do the girls imagine that they're Cinderella, that they're beautiful for the night but after they've changed out of their dress and face paint, they'll just be their regular old selves again? ugh, i can hardly stand looking at some of the makeup that chicks wear to prom. it's funny when their face is a completely different color than the rest of them because of their foundation. and i don't know, i think my eyelashes would fall off if i coated them with so much fugging mascara. what ever happened to natural beauty, anyway? i don't think i look bad when i have no makeup on... i kind of think i look like a trollop when i've got blush, mascara, and lip junk on. i can handle a little mascara every now and again, and a little bit of lip junk. but i cannot stand blush. i mean, i blush enough as it is, naturally. and if i was really that worried about looking drained, i could pinch my cheeks every now and again or go outside in the cold for a bit. that'll turn your face red, no problem.
what's so romantic about prom? tuxedos are sexy, sure, depending on the man that's in 'em, and how comfortable he is with being so formal. i don't know, i think most of the people at prom just look awkward. no one is dressed according to who they are as a person or anything. men just shove themselves into identical tuxes and chicks try to outdo each other with insanely poofy dresses. everyone seems so uncomfortable, so out of their element. i don't know.
yeah, my homeless brother wants the laptop. i guess i don't get Mogwai tonight. thanks, homeless brother.

Christmas? New Year's? Nah. I Would Rather Complain.

well, hello. i hope you all had the most fantastic holiday season of your life. i hope you got all the presents you wanted, made realistic new year's resolutions, and spent lots of quality time with your family and friends. i know i did. but, as the title of this post implies, i'm not going to talk about that right now.
instead, i would like to talk to you about school. fun, right?
well. it's sunday. tomorrow is the day i dread, for that is when my winter vacation comes to an abrupt end. i'll get up at 6:30 to get a big "good morning!" from my fifty- or forty-something degree room. i'll tear my retainers out of my mouth, throw myself into a scalding hot shower, and after that, i'll be greeted again by my freezing bedroom, where i will throw on my favorite and over-worn pair of jeans and one of my new t-shirts. then i'll go stand outside and wait for the bus for twenty fucking minutes, and i'll be on my way. exciting, right? i fucking know. and then, oh, and then, i'll either endure through shitty choir and sing retarded songs, or i'll sit in band with new songs, a broken saxophone, and a complete lack of enthusiasm. second period will be great, because we were supposed to read all of The Midnight Assassin and i'm only on chapter nine. sixth period will be heavenly as well, because that's U.S. History, which is definitely not my favorite subject (what do i care what this stupid country has accomplished?) and we had some big-ass assignment that i could not finish because i was sick, then we had snow days, and i'm the best at procrastinating... but i don't have any more room to procrastinate... see, we had to write our outlines on this stupid Inspiration 8 program that i do not have at home, so i couldn't send it to myself and grah. ms. gevock says that that particular assignment can make me fail the class. great. that's just what i need. another reason for me to be grounded and another big scratch on my college plans.
oh, who needs college? you know, i've always wanted to go, ever since i was a little kid, and i always knew i would be the one person in my family to finish... but it's not going to happen. i've been thinking just recently, and i wonder if i should just get a winnebago and drive around the continent, stopping to smell the roses every now and again. i can let my hair grow long and unruly, enjoy nature, and meet thousands of amazing people on my adventures. i don't know how i'll make money... i haven't figured that part out yet... but perhaps it will have something to do with writing. now, i know you can't tell from this blog, because i don't capitalize and i'm not trying to impress you, but i can write. i think. i'm pretty good, and with a few more classes, maybe composition and journalism, or instead of journalism, advanced comp., depending on how difficult regular-type comp. is, i can learn and improve on my writing ability. so there. maybe i can sell a couple of books, make some dough, drive around some more, sell some cartoons just for fun, try to sell more books... i suppose it would be pretty difficult, if i cared about cash too much. but i figure i won't spend much anyway, so as long as i've got money gas, food, and 'bago bills - how would they send them to me, i wonder? - i would be fine. well... it sounds like fun to wander, but i doubt it'll happen.
so if i don't go to college, and i don't wander, what will i do? i guess only time will tell. whatever happens, happens, right? whatever. if i don't like how things end up, i'm sure i can alter them somehow.