yesterday was absolutely wonderful. now that i think about it, it couldn't be the magical tea, because i was happy all day, starting early in the morning when bethany called to tell me that i was going to be wearing her brother's jersey. hurray, hurrah! the previous evening, i had been spazzing out like none other, but with that jersey on, i suddenly felt more calm (probably 'cause i didn't want to embarrass bethany's brother). it was embarrassing when people asked me who's jersey it was, because some people were like "oooh, cute," some were just fun assholes (the words of more than one person were something along the lines of: "you wear the jersey of the person you're fucking, right? that's how it works?"), and more than one person on the football team laughed at me. but it was still fun. even weight training didn't bother me too much.
after school, i hung out with a few people for a couple of hours. they're all crazy. i was trying to convince (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex to get over her, as i always do, and the three or four of us just had random conversations while (SECRET FRIEND) peeked out from windows (sometimes running upstairs to look down from there) and from around doors to give me fucking strange faces. weirdo. eventually (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex and i realized that our big, black friend had left his cell phone, so i dug through his contacts and found my name with a little heart next to it. urgh. (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex laughed at me. we returned the phone to our big, black friend's house while i daydreamed of stabbing him in the gut. (SECRET FRIEND)'s ex suggested that we go to the restaurant where (SECRET FRIEND) works - "i'll buy," he said - and i just laughed at his silly desperation. he says that if he never saw her again, he might be happy (yeah, he's a baby), but then he tries so hard to see her. yeah. he's a bit on the criminally insane side.
when i got home, i checked the caller i.d. on my phone and called ashley back. we decided that we were going to eat at where (SECRET FRIEND) works, to be supportive. we got the buffet and ended up staying there for around three hours, giggling and making faces and drinking endless amounts of soul-warming tea, which i didn't believe was caffeinated. we stayed until (SECRET FRIEND)'s boyfriend showed up, then we paid and were given a shitload of fortune cookies and headed to howard park, where we swung and sang and giggled and acted quite high (it's the tea, i swear), running and screaming "rape!" when a truck pulled up, only to discover that it was one of our friends and his whores, then walking around discussing a homeless guy sleeping on a table, then dividing our fortune cookies and going home.
the sky was absolutely amazing last night. all the stars were completely visible, shining down on this perfect day with determined intensity. i lay under the stars for a while, thinking about how enormous the universe is, and how there are infinitely many problems out there and mine are and will always be completely insignificant. if everyone could get a perfect sky like this after a perfect day, maybe we could all realize this. if only the world could stop being so selfish and dwelling on petty problems, maybe we would be at peace with each other and with ourselves. it's easier said than done, i know, but for one night, i didn't have a care in the world.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Such Excitement!
isn't school just so exciting? oh, yes.
sigh. you know my sarcasm so well.
but i suppose it's not so bad so far. i do build up a little bit of suspense just by waiting for the class periods to end, though i tend to look like an idiot when i stare at the clock and jump up and down in my seat. i've also been trying my best to get into that state where i notice all the itty bitty things. all those tiny things that people tend to not notice. i want to love the grass between my toes, but how can i do that when i have to wear shoes and go to school? so that's one thing i miss about summer: endless barefootedness. and i want to notice the veins in the leaves, and the vast green stretched all around me, but those things will be gone just as soon as autumn gets here. i love the crisp air of autumn, but how do you focus on something you can't see?
i would very much like for my senses to mesmerize me. i want soft things to make me so euphoric that i just stop thinking altogether, just to feel. i want sights to be so breathtaking that they're mind-numbing, as well. i want sounds, any sounds, crickets, birds, winds, voices, to be music to me. i want to dance to the rhythm that i know is there in everything. i want to smell the grass, the bark on the trees, even the dirt, and know how fucking wonderful it is.
i can get into the state of mind where i feel this way, but it's so rare, and when i get into that state, i drift away from the real world and generally people start asking me what's going on, so that brings this little worried voice to my head that there is something wrong, and i dig deep down and find that wrongness that wasn't there before someone assumed it was.
but with things being the way they are right now, i don't think i have to worry about people caring if i'm totally absorbed in a blue sky. if i'm lying in the grass, it doesn't mean i'm lonely. going out and getting drenched on a rainy day does not make me an "emo." how could it? the rain is the most spectacular thing in all of iowa. i live for rainy days. it's been a while since a good rain, and the skies are unbearably clear, but i'm hoping it will rain within the next week. (it won't.)
anyway, yeah. i guess i'm not too unhappy quite yet. school's boring, but all my problems are petty or in my mind. i'll keep you updated on how i cope for the next few weeks, 'kay? ;)
sigh. you know my sarcasm so well.
but i suppose it's not so bad so far. i do build up a little bit of suspense just by waiting for the class periods to end, though i tend to look like an idiot when i stare at the clock and jump up and down in my seat. i've also been trying my best to get into that state where i notice all the itty bitty things. all those tiny things that people tend to not notice. i want to love the grass between my toes, but how can i do that when i have to wear shoes and go to school? so that's one thing i miss about summer: endless barefootedness. and i want to notice the veins in the leaves, and the vast green stretched all around me, but those things will be gone just as soon as autumn gets here. i love the crisp air of autumn, but how do you focus on something you can't see?
i would very much like for my senses to mesmerize me. i want soft things to make me so euphoric that i just stop thinking altogether, just to feel. i want sights to be so breathtaking that they're mind-numbing, as well. i want sounds, any sounds, crickets, birds, winds, voices, to be music to me. i want to dance to the rhythm that i know is there in everything. i want to smell the grass, the bark on the trees, even the dirt, and know how fucking wonderful it is.
i can get into the state of mind where i feel this way, but it's so rare, and when i get into that state, i drift away from the real world and generally people start asking me what's going on, so that brings this little worried voice to my head that there is something wrong, and i dig deep down and find that wrongness that wasn't there before someone assumed it was.
but with things being the way they are right now, i don't think i have to worry about people caring if i'm totally absorbed in a blue sky. if i'm lying in the grass, it doesn't mean i'm lonely. going out and getting drenched on a rainy day does not make me an "emo." how could it? the rain is the most spectacular thing in all of iowa. i live for rainy days. it's been a while since a good rain, and the skies are unbearably clear, but i'm hoping it will rain within the next week. (it won't.)
anyway, yeah. i guess i'm not too unhappy quite yet. school's boring, but all my problems are petty or in my mind. i'll keep you updated on how i cope for the next few weeks, 'kay? ;)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Fine, Then!
you recently experienced my first mood-swingy, stubborn, unhappy blog of the school year. bethany has convinced me to keep this blog, and it didn't take much convincing. i admit that i do like to make random posts every now and again, but i probably chose the wrong blogging site and now i'm found immediately on google, which isn't fun. but that's my fault, and i suppose i can change my name on here whenever, but i'm not going to.
so, as you know, school has started back up again. my schedule is simple enough:
1: chorus (basement)/band (middle floor)
2: english 10 (middle floor)
3: spanish (top floor)
4: biology (top floor)
5: study hall (auditorium)/ weight training (bottom floor)
6: u.s. history (middle floor)
7: geometry (middle floor)
i have two lunch shifts, which is weird. especially "B" lunch. i go to study hall for twenty-some minutes, leave for lunch, and return to study hall. it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. besides, i don't have too many close friends in "B" lunch. you all know i only have three best friends, and i'm only truly comfortable with a few other people. unfortunately, i'm not very comfortable in that lunch shift. i have a lot of friendly acquaintances in there, but... urgh. oh, well. i have "C" lunch, too, and bethany and (SECRET FRIEND) are in there with me.
damn, i like having (SECRET FRIEND). she's like a friend from the shadows. nobody knooows... except there are only two people reading this blog and she's one of them. so everybody does know.
i'm already falling into guy troubles, i guess... not really troubles so much as annoyances. one guy is so totally into me that i'm very uncomfortable around him. i don't let it show, 'cause i know that these things happen, but yeah, i'm not as comfortable around him as i used to be.
i chill with a group of guys after school, but they're just a bunch of geeks that vary in shapes, sizes, and colors. i like hanging out with them, even that one who has a serious thing for me. he'll get over it, i'm sure. i'll give him some time.
i finished reading Breaking Dawn. it was really good, but i didn't like the ending. i'm sure most people did, but it just irritated me. anyway, you should read the series. even though i'm sure you and your dog have already read it.
i think i would like to change the tip of my "serious shoe." i draw on my green converse high-tops, y'know, and my left shoe is the more serious shoe while the right shoe is covered in signatures, shel silverstein poems, my comic characters, and overall silliness. they're my kind of shoes.
so, as you know, school has started back up again. my schedule is simple enough:
1: chorus (basement)/band (middle floor)
2: english 10 (middle floor)
3: spanish (top floor)
4: biology (top floor)
5: study hall (auditorium)/ weight training (bottom floor)
6: u.s. history (middle floor)
7: geometry (middle floor)
i have two lunch shifts, which is weird. especially "B" lunch. i go to study hall for twenty-some minutes, leave for lunch, and return to study hall. it's kind of stupid, if you ask me. besides, i don't have too many close friends in "B" lunch. you all know i only have three best friends, and i'm only truly comfortable with a few other people. unfortunately, i'm not very comfortable in that lunch shift. i have a lot of friendly acquaintances in there, but... urgh. oh, well. i have "C" lunch, too, and bethany and (SECRET FRIEND) are in there with me.
damn, i like having (SECRET FRIEND). she's like a friend from the shadows. nobody knooows... except there are only two people reading this blog and she's one of them. so everybody does know.
i'm already falling into guy troubles, i guess... not really troubles so much as annoyances. one guy is so totally into me that i'm very uncomfortable around him. i don't let it show, 'cause i know that these things happen, but yeah, i'm not as comfortable around him as i used to be.
i chill with a group of guys after school, but they're just a bunch of geeks that vary in shapes, sizes, and colors. i like hanging out with them, even that one who has a serious thing for me. he'll get over it, i'm sure. i'll give him some time.
i finished reading Breaking Dawn. it was really good, but i didn't like the ending. i'm sure most people did, but it just irritated me. anyway, you should read the series. even though i'm sure you and your dog have already read it.
i think i would like to change the tip of my "serious shoe." i draw on my green converse high-tops, y'know, and my left shoe is the more serious shoe while the right shoe is covered in signatures, shel silverstein poems, my comic characters, and overall silliness. they're my kind of shoes.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Hrmf... Sorry, Guys...
so, i was supposed to write a post on the beginning of the school year, which was today, but i don't think that's going to happen. i've decided that i don't enjoy blogging. what's the point? i would rather just type my thoughts on microsoft word and delete them as soon as they're done. you both know i'm an open book. i don't need complete strangers reading my thoughts, and i don't need people searching my name on google, finding this blog, and reading all my miserable rants. i think that may be what happened with 'bastian, y'know. i think he found my blog, read what i said about him and anonymous, and now he hates my guts.
so, this blog is goin' down. just giving you a little warning post. maybe it wasn't such a bad summer idea, but now it's the school year and my rants are going to get insanely contradictory and angsty. so that's my explanation.
so, this blog is goin' down. just giving you a little warning post. maybe it wasn't such a bad summer idea, but now it's the school year and my rants are going to get insanely contradictory and angsty. so that's my explanation.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Totally. Tripping. Shit.
so. it's 4:41 a.m. right now, which may not be a big deal to some of you night owls out there, but the thing is: i'm not tired in the least. i'm very proud of myself. 'cause i'm not going to sleep! yeah. you'll see.
wanna know my amazing story? oh, yeah. i'll tell you. 'cause you're my favorite person in the whole world, see.
you know those five-hour energy shot thingies? well, they're really gross. yeah. totally gag-making. but i can't deny that they work. nope. can't do that. i've got the shivers, and the bags under my eyes are getting darker every minute, but i am so damn proud of myself... i'm not gonna sleep until after the radio show, after my great-grandpa's birthday party, and after the ride home. chyeah. i may crash after that, but for now, things are pretty fun.
for the past five hours or so, i've been reading. that's totally weird. duuude. i haven't read much since school, y'know? books are like... an escape from your world. a distraction. i don't need a distraction during summer vacation. summer vacation is a distraction, man. but yeah, i was reading, and then i decided to play dress-up with the clothes that i actually wear. it was waaaay too entertaining. now i'm sitting here, typing this, shivering. my foot won't stop tapping. i seem to be yawning, and my eyes are getting moist again (i think the energy drink dried out my eyes or sumink, 'cause my eyes drip a lot when i'm tired, but i took the shot and my eyes didn't drip. not one bit.) the five hours is about done.
and bethany, i think you were right about the crash, 'cause i was watching the commercial and it said "no crash later*." lil' stars are like the devil, man. they tell you that you've just used a product that is lying to you.
anyway, i'm going to my friend mike's radio show (teehee, i accidentally spelled "shoe" like, twice), and that starts at seven. i would like to be early, though. he deserves a stern talking-to.
oh, and i strongly recommend The Subtle Knife, to anyone who might be reading a random blog, or maybe to (SECRET FRIEND). (SECRET FRIEND), you should read the trilogy. bethany has, and i'm working on it, so you and ashley need to.
aw, geez. i'm going to read for another forty-nine minutes or so, then i'm going to get ready and leave.
wow, blogging is fuunnn...
(not as fun as dressing up in my own clothes, though.)
wanna know my amazing story? oh, yeah. i'll tell you. 'cause you're my favorite person in the whole world, see.
you know those five-hour energy shot thingies? well, they're really gross. yeah. totally gag-making. but i can't deny that they work. nope. can't do that. i've got the shivers, and the bags under my eyes are getting darker every minute, but i am so damn proud of myself... i'm not gonna sleep until after the radio show, after my great-grandpa's birthday party, and after the ride home. chyeah. i may crash after that, but for now, things are pretty fun.
for the past five hours or so, i've been reading. that's totally weird. duuude. i haven't read much since school, y'know? books are like... an escape from your world. a distraction. i don't need a distraction during summer vacation. summer vacation is a distraction, man. but yeah, i was reading, and then i decided to play dress-up with the clothes that i actually wear. it was waaaay too entertaining. now i'm sitting here, typing this, shivering. my foot won't stop tapping. i seem to be yawning, and my eyes are getting moist again (i think the energy drink dried out my eyes or sumink, 'cause my eyes drip a lot when i'm tired, but i took the shot and my eyes didn't drip. not one bit.) the five hours is about done.
and bethany, i think you were right about the crash, 'cause i was watching the commercial and it said "no crash later*." lil' stars are like the devil, man. they tell you that you've just used a product that is lying to you.
anyway, i'm going to my friend mike's radio show (teehee, i accidentally spelled "shoe" like, twice), and that starts at seven. i would like to be early, though. he deserves a stern talking-to.
oh, and i strongly recommend The Subtle Knife, to anyone who might be reading a random blog, or maybe to (SECRET FRIEND). (SECRET FRIEND), you should read the trilogy. bethany has, and i'm working on it, so you and ashley need to.
aw, geez. i'm going to read for another forty-nine minutes or so, then i'm going to get ready and leave.
wow, blogging is fuunnn...
(not as fun as dressing up in my own clothes, though.)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I Almost Let My Guard Down There for a Tick.
there for a moment, i almost believed that teenage boys could have actual feelings.
what a silly thought!
no, it's really all about fitting in and having something even remotely close to sex, isn't it?
some guys claim that they look at certain couples and that's how they think their ideal relationship is.
i wonder if they even realize that they're basing their ideal relationship on relationships that are based on sex?
"my sister and her boyfriend," "teri and nate." babe, they all have sex.
subconscious thoughts take over a man's brain, don't they? they don't even fucking realize what they're thinking until it's too damn late.
but at least i didn't let my guard down enough to want a relationship, eh?
i'm a kid. it's best if i just get my mind off of men for long enough to bring up my GPA. i would really like to go to a certain college, and i can't go unless i'm a good student. i probably can't go anyway, since i can't afford a private school like Central... but i can have my dreams, right? hrmf. men are just distractions for women.
men can't live without sex, but women can't live without success. RIGHT?
anyway, just informing you (my two or three readers) that i have pulled my guard up all the way again. NO DISTRACTIONS THIS YEAR, OKAY?
what a silly thought!
no, it's really all about fitting in and having something even remotely close to sex, isn't it?
some guys claim that they look at certain couples and that's how they think their ideal relationship is.
i wonder if they even realize that they're basing their ideal relationship on relationships that are based on sex?
"my sister and her boyfriend," "teri and nate." babe, they all have sex.
subconscious thoughts take over a man's brain, don't they? they don't even fucking realize what they're thinking until it's too damn late.
but at least i didn't let my guard down enough to want a relationship, eh?
i'm a kid. it's best if i just get my mind off of men for long enough to bring up my GPA. i would really like to go to a certain college, and i can't go unless i'm a good student. i probably can't go anyway, since i can't afford a private school like Central... but i can have my dreams, right? hrmf. men are just distractions for women.
men can't live without sex, but women can't live without success. RIGHT?
anyway, just informing you (my two or three readers) that i have pulled my guard up all the way again. NO DISTRACTIONS THIS YEAR, OKAY?
Monday, August 4, 2008
Alright, So.
i'm done being creepy jealous girl. what in the fuck was i thinking?
i blame my period. yup. i was definitely hormonal at the time.
cough.
bet that's awkward for you, hmm?
anyhoo.
school starts up again real soon, and i am not ready for that shit.
marching band starts up even sooner.
fuck the saxophone. it's unimportant in life.
i would rather sit around all day and listen to classical music (minus saxophones) on musicovery.com.
sigh.
school. fuck school.
what good does school do?
and don't tell me "well, it educates you for the real world," because if school had never started, then we would all be dumb asses and everything would be fine. so shuddafuckup.
currently i am uninterested in dating anyone, but i do have a lot of fun toying with men. i know that some of them wouldn't date me, ever, which is great. but i'm still bitchy enough to mess with the guys that are interested.
luckily, i'm fifteen and never been kissed, so we don't have to worry about me messing around PHYSICALLY. 'sall good, right?
unless, of course, men can't take my stupid emotional fuckwittage (oh no! i've become a fuckwitter!) when all they really want is physical stuff, anyway... shiiiit. oh, well... i don't think i mess with anyone who could hurt me (anymore).
hmmm. well.
let's see.
i've been very melodramatic about my parents recently...
hmm...
been school shopping for clothes....
hmmmmm...
that's really about it. OH!
the stupid youth praise team thing!
my youth pastor, chris paul, is constantly nagging me about joining the youth praise team because he HEARD somewhere that i can sing. well, that's great, chris. i always tell him no, but i guess my word just isn't good enough. so he called my mother and told her about this damned CD that our youth praise teams were making, and of course mother just HAD to sign me up straightaway! so i was stuck spending about twenty hours on this shitty CD and did i mention i'm an ATHEIST?
gawwwd!!
you should hear this shit. the middle school praise team is seriously terrible. neither of the singers can sing and the drumming is bloody terrible.
the high school (me) is O.K., i suppose, if you like only being able to hear one person singing well and one person who constantly hits all the wrong notes...
we were at the recording studio from ten or eleven to seven-ish.
isn't that just WONDERFUL?
god DAMN it!
but, anyway. that's about it.
who reads this shit, anyway?
check out my facebook graffiti, and show your goddamn friends, goddamn it:
http://apps.facebook.com/superwall/view.php?id=1082150310&owner_id=506088354
you probably CAN'T, if you're a stranger.
so i guess you'll have to be my FRIEND, GODDAMN IT.
i blame my period. yup. i was definitely hormonal at the time.
cough.
bet that's awkward for you, hmm?
anyhoo.
school starts up again real soon, and i am not ready for that shit.
marching band starts up even sooner.
fuck the saxophone. it's unimportant in life.
i would rather sit around all day and listen to classical music (minus saxophones) on musicovery.com.
sigh.
school. fuck school.
what good does school do?
and don't tell me "well, it educates you for the real world," because if school had never started, then we would all be dumb asses and everything would be fine. so shuddafuckup.
currently i am uninterested in dating anyone, but i do have a lot of fun toying with men. i know that some of them wouldn't date me, ever, which is great. but i'm still bitchy enough to mess with the guys that are interested.
luckily, i'm fifteen and never been kissed, so we don't have to worry about me messing around PHYSICALLY. 'sall good, right?
unless, of course, men can't take my stupid emotional fuckwittage (oh no! i've become a fuckwitter!) when all they really want is physical stuff, anyway... shiiiit. oh, well... i don't think i mess with anyone who could hurt me (anymore).
hmmm. well.
let's see.
i've been very melodramatic about my parents recently...
hmm...
been school shopping for clothes....
hmmmmm...
that's really about it. OH!
the stupid youth praise team thing!
my youth pastor, chris paul, is constantly nagging me about joining the youth praise team because he HEARD somewhere that i can sing. well, that's great, chris. i always tell him no, but i guess my word just isn't good enough. so he called my mother and told her about this damned CD that our youth praise teams were making, and of course mother just HAD to sign me up straightaway! so i was stuck spending about twenty hours on this shitty CD and did i mention i'm an ATHEIST?
gawwwd!!
you should hear this shit. the middle school praise team is seriously terrible. neither of the singers can sing and the drumming is bloody terrible.
the high school (me) is O.K., i suppose, if you like only being able to hear one person singing well and one person who constantly hits all the wrong notes...
we were at the recording studio from ten or eleven to seven-ish.
isn't that just WONDERFUL?
god DAMN it!
but, anyway. that's about it.
who reads this shit, anyway?
check out my facebook graffiti, and show your goddamn friends, goddamn it:
http://apps.facebook.com/superwall/view.php?id=1082150310&owner_id=506088354
you probably CAN'T, if you're a stranger.
so i guess you'll have to be my FRIEND, GODDAMN IT.
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