i have been feeling strange as of late. i've been crazy moody, but never angry. it has been like this: contentedness, FRENZIED PANIC, bliss, HORRIFIED SOBS, euphoria, OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE! of course i laugh at myself the whole time, like, "what the fuck? ha-ha, i'm such a crazy schizo person," but it does get to me a bit.
i wasn't able to tell what was wrong with me for the longest time, because i refuse to think. but i finally allowed some thought to the problem, and i've realized that i'm just a big baby. i don't want to grow up, and that is my problem. of course i kept taking it back to evan, telling myself that the only reason i was so upset was because i was in a relationship. i don't know why i do that. evan is one of the four people out there who can always, always make me happy. he's not the problem at all. well... maybe a little bit. being in a relationship certainly can't stay innocent and childish forever, and that terrifies me. i also realized that i am too dependent on him and his car, because i really don't want my license and he takes me wherever i need to go.
bah. it's pathetic that i've been so sad about growing up. i suppose it's just that i'm going to be a junior and i realize that i've taken school so lightly and i slacked off and messed around and how will i ever get a job? (by the way, i like making long sentences like that, shut up.) it's really too late to fix my GPA. well, not too late, but... i know i'm not going to take this next year seriously, either. it's not that i'm trying to rebel or anything ridiculous like that, it's just that, well... it's no fun. i like fun! fun is good! schoolwork is not fun, therefore it is not good. this is one of the things about me never growing up that affects me negatively. if something isn't fun, i won't do it. if something is fun but it hurts someone else, hell if i care. i only think about it and feel bad after i've done it.
what really sucks about my current, self-induced misery is that there is no solution that lets me have my way. the only thing to do is to give in and grow up. i should maybe brush off my main distraction for a bit, practice my driving, and get my license. that's the biggest thing, i think. dad has been angry with me because i refuse to get a license, and that upsets me a little. i don't understand it, though; does he want to waste money on a car for me? but when i get my license, i'll have to get a real job so that i can pay for gas and insurance and i just don't want to do it. jobs aren't fun! i don't want a job, so i don't want a car, so i don't want my license, so i don't want to grow up.
i need some chocolate ice cream, but i don't have a car and i think that evan has decided not to come over today.
see my problem?
on another note: HAVE I BECOME BORING? OHMIGOD ANOTHER THING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.
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I don't want to grow up either. In fact, I don't think I ever really will. I live in a fantasy world whenever I can. So, honestly? I'm not growing up. I have a car, yeah, but I don't feel grown up. The idea of being 17 next year is completely and absolutely foreign. I DON'T BELIEVE IT. And Dani? I don't even have a JOB. You have more of a job than I do. I'm prolonging my childhood as long as I can. It'll never end. I can't imagine myself marrying anyone. Ever. Seriously, I don't think I could handle it. I'm very much a child.
And you're not boring. Ever. We just need to do more stuff.
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