My Heart Has No Say In The Matter

today has been quite troublesome, actually. well, this whole week has been rather troublesome, and not just for me. first off, i would like to inform the public of the missing iPod, George, who was lost at the library by bethany, who misses him dearly. bring George home!
now, for me, i've been having my usual troubles. for one, i was asked to the prom by a friend, who is just that. a friend. i said no, of course, and he expected as much, but he's just so moody... he's a total chick. more so than me, i believe. i recently asked him to tell me off, and he did. he didn't understand why i wanted him to tell me off... i told him that i needed it. i needed someone to get me down off my high horse, whatever. well, that... and the fact that if he tells me off, it gives me the right to tell him off. fantastic, right? he's always saying "i can't be just friends with you." so, today i told him, "you can't be just friends with me. so don't be." and - get this - i walked away! i actually walked away. i'm so proud of myself... i never have the heart to go away, to leave them behind, and i finally did it.
so on the walk home, i was telling myself how men always have an ulterior motive - no, it's not secret, women just refuse to acknowledge it - to get into a chick's pants. i was telling myself how every little thing a guy does is all so that they can get laid. every time they compliment you, they laugh with you, they flirt, they smile, they wink... it's all for sex. but then i came home, and i watched a movie. well, hey. who knew movies could actually help people learn a lesson?
the movie i watched was "My Best Friend's Girl." well, i won't spoil the movie for you - it's a good 'un - but the chick in it is in a relationship, and the guy is suddenly all "I LOVE YOU" and the chick's like, "woah," and dumps him, and starts fooling around with another dude and trying things out and just having fun, being just friends with the dude who's madly in love with her. he's amazingly desperate, and instead of going, "aw, how cute," i kept thinking, "ew, gross. he's terrible." and i had this awful feeling that i was kind of like her. granted, i'm not having sex with random dudes or anything, but i feel like i'm hurting my suitors who claim to have strong feelings about me. the movie shows the side of guys that supposedly exists but no guy ever wants to show: the sweet side. the desperate, lovestruck mess inside of every guy, y'know? so i felt really terrible about myself, like i am just crushing the hopes and dreams of the lovestruck puppy inside my suitor(s?).
so i've got these two conflicting ideas: all men are in it for the sex, and men are all secretly desperate for love. and then this other thought comes to mind... what if i'm the one with the ulterior motive? what if, secretly - so secretly i don't even know about it - i'm a total nymphomaniac? or what if my motive is to emotionally destroy every guy i can get my hands onto? i don't think i'm capable of that one, though, so just what if i'm secretly a nympho? yeah, i doubt it, too. i'll be sixteen next month, and i've never been kissed. what's even better is that i've had the opportunity, and when the moment of truth came along, every muscle in my body tensed and screamed, "NO!" i freakin' told the guy he could kiss me (yes, i know, friends... how disgusting), but my body had other plans. my brain says, "why, sure, ole' chap, why not?" (my mind has a british accent, obviously) and then my body goes, "OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATISGOINGONHERESTOPITRUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" and i listen to my body. that's what i think goes down.
but then i get all realistic and think, "dani, your brain controls everything that your body does. it's not possible for your body to fight it. it does not have a mind separate from the one in your skull. therefore, you're lying to yourself (which is oh so common), and you don't actually want to be kissed by anyone at any time." which, in turn, probably proves that i am not a nymphomaniac.
i know everything i have been saying in this post is pretty much worthless, because i haven't decided on what i believe to be true, i haven't given you must juicy gossip to share with your busybody friends, and i haven't inspired you to do anything life-changing. but hey, do i ever? i do these posts to help me. these rants help me get out all my thoughts, to see the concrete forms of what's going on up in the ole' attic. then i can compare them, argue with myself, and figure out which idea makes the most sense. understand? good. just thought i would get that out there before i went on.
i should mention that, after my suitor asked me to prom, i went to my bestest guy friend for a little bit of sympathy. you know what he did?
he asked me to prom.
now, most chickies would find this fantastic for me, because i've so obviously had a thing for the guy for a very long time, and he knows it so what do i care if he ever decides to read my blog, but there are a few issues. firstly, i would like to say that i just can't take him seriously. he asked me on teh interwebs, so i don't know if he was making a huge joke of it... at first, i thought he was, but then he said some fairly serious stuff, so i guess he really was asking me, but here's my second point: i'm his back-up plan. we've dated before, and it just doesn't work. we both know this, i think, but the fact that we get along now seems to make him believe that i'll go out with him on a whim, whether his or mine. he's got a whole list of chicas he would like to go out with, and i'm at the very, very bottom. i imagine that their names all have their fancy, swirly fonts, in gold, and i'm... black verdana (which is, by the way, the very font i use for all of my posts, my e-mails, and maybe my instant messenger). thirdly, he says that me going to prom with him would prevent me from having to go with my nutjob suitor, as if he only wants me to go with him to get me out of a tight spot. and when i said that my nutjob suitor wasn't just unhappy about prom, but my whole "no-dating" scene in general, my bestest guy friend proposed that maybe i should just go out with him, to get my suitor off my back. so it's all just a plan to save my skin, which is sweet, sure, but for some reason, i'm not sure if it's genuine. i sincerely doubt it, in fact. i don't get why guys have to be so mysterious, lock up all their goddamn feelings and leave us girls guessing. tell me, bestest guy friend, do you really just want to help a friend out?
what really bugs me is that i spent all this time sitting around doing nothing, isolating myself from the world, walking, talking to myself, etcetera, etcetera, claiming to be finding myself, when really all i was doing was avoiding conflict with humanity, enjoying nature, and talking to drown out any thoughts that may have occurred. i got to the point where i didn't do much thinking; i just acted, without thought. i've been thinking a lot in the past few days, and i resent that. now, i do believe that i found out a lot about myself in my time of seclusion, but i won't pretend that i started out trying to. i just started doing nothing, and pretty soon i realized that i was becoming more acquainted with myself, and i was absolutely euphoric. (if mom read this, i guarantee she would be saying, "god, you're such a meditator," right about now.)
i'll let you know what i decide, alright, blog of one to four viewers? if you even read this massive post of contradictions and nonsense, i appreciate that you're obviously a creep that is trying to learn all about my world's current events.