that's right, friends... already, i have walked away from my whole "FINE. LET'S NOT BE FRIENDS," thing. when do i ever do it? oh, i have tried so many times, with quite a few different people, and i always end up trying to teach them a lesson, trying to stay away until they apologize, they forget about me, or they come crawling back, tears streaming down their face as they cry out about how i was so right and they're terrible and their whole life has turned around and it's all because of me... yeah, that doesn't happen. none of it happens. turns out, i have this problem where i see the good in everybody, and though i try, i have a hard time over analyzing things and sticking with the ideas i come up with. basically, i over analyze things just so that i have something to do. also, so i can walk home all in a huff, telling myself (at full volume) about how terrible people are. but once i throw my tantrum, everything's even better than before. it's like my kid brother: if something doesn't go his way, he starts throwing an absolute fit. he cries, he screams, he threatens you. he almost genuinely seems like he is a depressed child and almost makes me feel bad about whatever i have done to make him cry. but then the commercials are over and he's the happiest kid alive.
besides, this guy's my buddy... creepy as he is. i can't stand to hurt my buddies on purpose. i do it on accident all the time, sure, but on purpose? that's just cruel. it hurts me, too, though i can't deny the sort of dark smugness that rises up in my chest and curls my lips into a malevolent grin. eh. that doesn't last long, as you may be able to tell.
thing is, stuff happens, but in the long run, it doesn't matter in the least. the prom situation(s) don't even matter to me anymore. yeah, it happened, but so what? it's done and over with. i can decide to drag it out by continually bringing it up in a negative fashion, or i can accept that it happened, it was bad, and it's not bad anymore! it doesn't matter! it's done. today, i have no problems to deal with. well, besides the fact that i'm a total pussy and any sentiment from anyone or anything makes me all teary-eyed. *sniffle* so what if my buddy did post a happy blog post for once because i'm not angry with him? no big deal. whatever, y'know... it doesn't mean anything to me that i mad him sad, and then i made him happy for once... no... big deal... him being happy... shouldn't make me teary-eyed... "tears of joy" are a lie! perhaps i have developed sudden and unexpected allergies. that explains the runny eyes and sniffly nose.
hmm, perhaps i should bring up my physical ailment. mom says i'm a hypochondriac, but hey, what if it turns out to be something serious and i die in a month? at least the people who read my blog will be able to tell mom and dad what has been going on. anyway, for quite some time now, i have been unable to eat much of anything without feeling ill. it's been especially bad this week. i'm not sure if it's just because of my suddenly moody stomach, which is now greatly affected by all sorts of emotions, such as: nervousness, lustfulness, anger, sadness... uh, pretty much all extreme emotions. on wednesday, i know what i ate, because it worried me: two pop-tarts (at 3:30 PM - first meal of the day... i felt awful afterwards), one cookie (eaten in slow, teensy bites to avoid the inevitable tummy ache), and a few bites of s'ghetti. i dunno, maybe that's not as bad as i think it is; i don't know how other people eat. all i know is that i've always been a total junk food addict, and suddenly sweets damn near make me gag, and milk seems to be the only thing i can have without my stomach squirming in protest. what am i, a newborn baby? i've been complaining about the lack of salty foods around the house, because i assumed that if sweets made me ill, salty foods would taste and feel better. well, today mom bought me a whole bag of lay's classic potato chips, and i could only eat four or five chips before i had to put them away. previously, i would have been able to eat half the bag and feel just peachy afterwards. but hey, it can't be all bad. with my sudden lack of desire to scarf down all the dead animal muscle in the house, i've been eating nothing but veggies (a rarity in this household, so not very often) and drinking mostly nothing but milk. my problem now is the fact that i keep trying to eat junk food. i want to be able to. i don't want my stomach to be weak, when it's been EXTREEEEME all this time... goddamn it, someone tell me what to do.
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2 comments:
Hey,
Does your tummy hurt high or low? When mine hurt all the time this summer when I ate, it was high, and it turned out to be an ulcer. No offense, but you're a bit of a worrier. Maybe it's an ulcer. Does your mom know how little you're actually eating? Maybe try to have a conversation with her at a unemotional moment. I know that's hard to find sometimes.
I normally watch your blog from the sidelines because I want you to feel free to express yourself, and sometimes I have nothing appropriate to say when I'm completely entertained by your writing even though I probably shouldn't be (Santa letters). But your tummy thing makes me concerned.
Take care of yourself! You have to be well to go out for speech next year! ;)
Hey, my stomach does some of that stuff too, just not to that degree. See a doctor perhaps? XD You know I can't drink several different kinds of pop without feeling like I need to throw up. The food thing, not so much. Maybe you have too much sugar in your blood... I dunno. Tell your parents. XD
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