Can't Wear Pants, Will Not Dance, Arcade Romance.

just a warning: this post may be boring and written with very little detail on account of i'm very tired and sickly.

good morning. i've been without sleep since 6:14 yesterday morning. it's 11:27 AM now, and i normally can't pull that sort of thing off. granted, i did have a nap or two, but they hardly helped anything. the reason why i eschewed sleep? it was PROM! that's right. dani actually got permission to stay the night with her prom group at her buddy duncan's house after prom, and she actually attempted to pull an all-nighter.

evan came and picked me up at one so that we could go to duncan's and get our pictures taken by a huge crowd of parents with cameras. our prom group stood awkwardly, plastering fake smiles to our faces, as the room filled with flashes and clicks and all matters of "oh, don't you look great!" evan himself had said, "wow," at me enough that i didn't need another compliment, and i had awkwardly muttered about how he looked pretty spiffy, too, so i hope he felt good about himself as well. we stood around for way too long as those relentless parents snapped photo after photo after goddamn photo, and then the parents began to slowly disperse (evan's mom hugged me!), and we were finally allowed to head off to the civic center to wait for our party bus.

the party bus wasn't at all what i was expecting. it was just a smelly, gutted-out school bus with sideways seats on one side, regular seats on the other, a space cleared out in the back for dancing, a nice lil' balcony outside of the back door, and another platform on the top of the bus. there were pictures of a line of people mooning the camera, which was weird but funny. i actually kind of liked the bus. the music playing was usually of no interest to evan or me; we're more into "indie" music, not the shit that plays on the radio all day. well, actually, he's into indie music, and i basically just listen to whatever he or galen throws my way. not always, of course; i'm a tad bit picky, and i'm devoted to the bands i already listen to. anyway, i grumbled at evan the whole time to Fun City, and played silly games with (SECRET FRIEND) after she caught me kissing evan.

when we got to Fun City, i put on my most ripped-up pair of green hi-tops and headed inside. evan and i got twenty bucks onto our fancy little card and immediately went to spend seven of that on bowling. i am really bad at bowling. i lost. but evan got second-to-last... he still kicked my ass. after bowling, we ordered our food at a restaurant inside of Fun City and ran off to spend more of our arcade monies while we waited for our food. i'm addicted to that game where the light goes around in a circle and you have to hit the button just as the light goes under some arch thingy, then you win the jackpot. i got a shit ton of tickets from that, but i didn't win the jackpot. i played ms. pacman (evan kept saying, "wow," at this; maybe the one thing i'm good at is playing video games?), and soon enough we had to head back to eat. the food was tasty, and someone had ordered a freakin' pizza that had a... 28? inch diameter. it was fucking crazy. i didn't eat any, but it looked delicious.

after we ate, there wasn't much time to spend the last of our arcade monies. i ran off to the gamblin' machine, as i call it, and evan tried some Deal or No Deal game. i probably won around 150 tickets. he won eleven (damn Deal or No Deal). we pooled our tickets together and came up with 313, but evan still had arcade monies left, so we went to the gamblin' machine again, and he spent the rest there. he got the jackpot once (victory kiss), but he and i both swear that we won several other times but the game is rigged. anyway, we ended up with around 550 tickets. we waited around for service, chose our prizes (two inflatable bats; why the hell not?), and ran outside to find that the party bus was waiting all the way across the parking lot. we ran, bats in hand, as the bus driver pretended to drive away from us. my shoe fell off (that's how beaten up they are). the ride home was fun. we played old classics like michael jackson, and i could actually sing along this time around.

riding in the parade on the back of that party bus was great, but prom in itself was really not that exciting. of course they played pop music that i didn't care to know, and i don't dance. i slow danced with evan a couple of times, but there were probably only two slow songs! i don't know, if you're going to be all fancy and gussied up, shouldn't you preserve your lovely appearance for as long as possible instead of jumping around, tangling your $50 hairdo and stinking up your $300 dress? i don't know, maybe i'm the only one who feels that way. evan and i decided to leave a little bit early and went to duncan's house, where our prom group would watch movies and play video games for most of the night. evan and i left at around three AM to go get some funky energy shot, which kicked in almost immediately and, for me, caused a crash just as quickly. evan was fine, but soon i was sleepily curled up on the couch with a sudden stuffy nose and burning sore throat. evan did everything in his power to try and make me feel better (who says chivalry is dead?), but my sudden sickness is still with me now. he cuddled with me, he asked around for medicine, he took me to find my own couch to lie on, etcetera, etcetera. he was just being a total sweetheart and i appreciate it to no end. it's only a cold, but he seemed genuinely concerned for me. i was feeling sickly, tired, and giddy, and eventually i just kind of went, "aww, fuck this. it's not doing me any good to sit around and dwell on how awful i feel. i'm going to go upstairs and i'm going to do the all-nighter i told evan we were going to do." so i went upstairs and watched Dogma, and evan and i tried in vain to fall asleep on the floor, since all the couches and chairs were taken up by other members of our prom group. there were a bunch of us, and the majority of us got the floor. it was itchy and so was the blanket that evan and i had snatched from the couch earlier, but evan was nice 'n comfy. i could hear duncan's parents making us breakfast at around five or six in the morning, and in a few hours we all pulled ourselves out of our restless slumber and chowed down. over all, prom day was really fun. i'm glad i agreed to go, since i was never planning on doing so.

i stayed responsible, like i said i would. no alcohol, no drugs, no sex. i'm a good kid. i told my parents i didn't do those things, and they believed me. they let me stay at duncan's and i'm grateful that they trusted me, even if i had to go into an in-depth discussion with my mom about how i couldn't be doing anything wrong during prom night before she finally gave in and agreed that there was no time for me to get away with anything (even though there was time, but i still didn't do anything that i shouldn't have. for the most part).

I Fail at Anger

that's right, friends... already, i have walked away from my whole "FINE. LET'S NOT BE FRIENDS," thing. when do i ever do it? oh, i have tried so many times, with quite a few different people, and i always end up trying to teach them a lesson, trying to stay away until they apologize, they forget about me, or they come crawling back, tears streaming down their face as they cry out about how i was so right and they're terrible and their whole life has turned around and it's all because of me... yeah, that doesn't happen. none of it happens. turns out, i have this problem where i see the good in everybody, and though i try, i have a hard time over analyzing things and sticking with the ideas i come up with. basically, i over analyze things just so that i have something to do. also, so i can walk home all in a huff, telling myself (at full volume) about how terrible people are. but once i throw my tantrum, everything's even better than before. it's like my kid brother: if something doesn't go his way, he starts throwing an absolute fit. he cries, he screams, he threatens you. he almost genuinely seems like he is a depressed child and almost makes me feel bad about whatever i have done to make him cry. but then the commercials are over and he's the happiest kid alive.
besides, this guy's my buddy... creepy as he is. i can't stand to hurt my buddies on purpose. i do it on accident all the time, sure, but on purpose? that's just cruel. it hurts me, too, though i can't deny the sort of dark smugness that rises up in my chest and curls my lips into a malevolent grin. eh. that doesn't last long, as you may be able to tell.
thing is, stuff happens, but in the long run, it doesn't matter in the least. the prom situation(s) don't even matter to me anymore. yeah, it happened, but so what? it's done and over with. i can decide to drag it out by continually bringing it up in a negative fashion, or i can accept that it happened, it was bad, and it's not bad anymore! it doesn't matter! it's done. today, i have no problems to deal with. well, besides the fact that i'm a total pussy and any sentiment from anyone or anything makes me all teary-eyed. *sniffle* so what if my buddy did post a happy blog post for once because i'm not angry with him? no big deal. whatever, y'know... it doesn't mean anything to me that i mad him sad, and then i made him happy for once... no... big deal... him being happy... shouldn't make me teary-eyed... "tears of joy" are a lie! perhaps i have developed sudden and unexpected allergies. that explains the runny eyes and sniffly nose.
hmm, perhaps i should bring up my physical ailment. mom says i'm a hypochondriac, but hey, what if it turns out to be something serious and i die in a month? at least the people who read my blog will be able to tell mom and dad what has been going on. anyway, for quite some time now, i have been unable to eat much of anything without feeling ill. it's been especially bad this week. i'm not sure if it's just because of my suddenly moody stomach, which is now greatly affected by all sorts of emotions, such as: nervousness, lustfulness, anger, sadness... uh, pretty much all extreme emotions. on wednesday, i know what i ate, because it worried me: two pop-tarts (at 3:30 PM - first meal of the day... i felt awful afterwards), one cookie (eaten in slow, teensy bites to avoid the inevitable tummy ache), and a few bites of s'ghetti. i dunno, maybe that's not as bad as i think it is; i don't know how other people eat. all i know is that i've always been a total junk food addict, and suddenly sweets damn near make me gag, and milk seems to be the only thing i can have without my stomach squirming in protest. what am i, a newborn baby? i've been complaining about the lack of salty foods around the house, because i assumed that if sweets made me ill, salty foods would taste and feel better. well, today mom bought me a whole bag of lay's classic potato chips, and i could only eat four or five chips before i had to put them away. previously, i would have been able to eat half the bag and feel just peachy afterwards. but hey, it can't be all bad. with my sudden lack of desire to scarf down all the dead animal muscle in the house, i've been eating nothing but veggies (a rarity in this household, so not very often) and drinking mostly nothing but milk. my problem now is the fact that i keep trying to eat junk food. i want to be able to. i don't want my stomach to be weak, when it's been EXTREEEEME all this time... goddamn it, someone tell me what to do.

If Only I Had a Closet Full of Lingerie...

sigh. alright. tomorrow is the trick-or-treat night, which doesn't really concern me, but on friday, i've a party to go to, and i can't go if i don't have a costume. i want something sexy. i want something original. unfortunately, i can't be sexy because i lack the sexy clothes. i don't have corsets with cords tying 'em up in the front - one little tug, and the whole thing comes undone - so how am i supposed to be sexy? and i don't have much of anything to choose from. yes, my mom has boxes of halloween junk in the attic, but in all honesty, when you put the articles of clothing together, you don't get much of anything. and i've already used plenty of her stuff for halloween, and i don't want any repeats.
oh, well. i've plenty more halloweens in my lifetime.
college is going to be a blast.

what else is up with me?
hmmm...
i'm going to have to say... absolutely nothing. i'm bored. i've gone back to reading, and by that i mean that i dig in the school library (or rather, i ask friends for recommendations) for good books, and then i sit down and read them in one day. but if a book doesn't suit my fancy, i take ages to read it, refusing to return it without reading the whole thing first, though i really don't care how the story ends. it's something to do. or... not... do.

... i'm feeling rather blank at this precise moment. i'm not happy, nor unhappy. i'm just sitting here, occupying my time on awful websites that i haven't been on in months, maybe even years. it's boring. i'm bored.
i am dissatisfied with my life.
what's missing now?
jeebus.
hmm... maybe i've begun to see the world in a boring way. perhaps i have been placing everything into simple categories: romance, friendship, family, happy, sad. something like that. but there's so much more, i know there is. i'm probably just being silly.

i'm loving this weather. the air is brisk and cold. it's delicious. bethany and i were playing in the leaves the other day. i've got a lot of hair, and she doesn't, so i had leaves stuck all over my head, and she just had a hood full of them. the wind slammed open my door several times today. it's exciting. being outside can be great... but it's much harder to walk to school in the mornings, what with all the rain and fog and freezing weather. dad said it was snowing just a bit ago, and i missed it. that makes me sad. here's hoping that it'll snow again this week.

i've been sick lately. i'm uber runny-nosed and congested; i carried an entire box of tissues around in school and didn't have any left over the next day. worst of all, i've been getting nosebleeds. the worst i've had was three in a row, and i don't mean one per day. i mean three strong, blood-all-over nosebleeds, all within a matter of hours. and on another day, i had a huge one just before i left to walk, so i had to call the bus, climb on with a handful of tissues pressed to my nose, and avoid meeting eye contact with the staring bus-riders. at school, i learned that nosebleeds aren't so common (since when?), and soon enough everyone knew that dani had had a nice, forty-five minute nosebleed. well. yeah. you could even say it lasted the whole day, if you wanted to. every time i touched a tissue to my nose, it came away bloody. for the whole day. pretty grody.
in biology class, i found out that i have a cough. we were watching some nearly-silent documentary, and i allowed just one cough, not realizing how badly i needed to cough until i had already coughed, which i guess pulled some trigger in my body and soon enough i was damn near coughing up blood, so i sat, trembling and convulsing at my desk, trying to stay silent. it was so incredibly hard to do that i started wheezing and tears started streaming down my face. i don't think i have to tell you that when the bell rang, i rushed out of the classroom and coughed up a lung or two.

oh my god.
i'm not sure, but i don't think i cursed more than once in this post.
oh my god. someone tell me it's not true. oh! not true. i said "damn." but i didn't say my mouth's favorite word! that word that always slips out, even when i don't want it to.

(i'm so proud.)