I Hope You Have a TERRIBLE FUCKING DAY.

happy valentine's day, everyone! i'm working on getting into my bitterest of moods for my bitter party. don't worry: all my bitterness is completely sarcastic. so... i'm just sitting at home, waiting for ashley to get her ass over here, and if we want to invite more bitter people who refuse to date, we will. i'm going to practice bitterness now.
bah, valentine's day! who would waste twenty dollars on a stuffed gorilla holding a heart? and, pfft, like anyone would want a stuffed gorilla, anyway! i mean, they're only absolutely adorable and soft and cuddly. pfft, i don't need it. i don't even need someone to want to get me a stuffed gorilla. men are chauvinist pigs! to give a girl a valentine is to beg for sex. men have ulterior motives for every kind gesture! "here, let me open the door for you!" really means "PLEASE LET ME FUCK YOU." "you have such a pretty smile" means "i've been staring at your mouth and i want to stick my tongue down your throat." y'know, if someone showed up on my porch with roses or chocolates (INTENTIONS OF SEXING ME), i might just hit them over the head with the lamp by the door and stomp on their groin when they fall over in pain. and then, as they're puking from the gut-twisting pain, i'll grab a piece of wood from the piles on the porch and whack 'em in the head again. by this point they'll be out cold, so i'll drag 'em inside, strap 'em down, and castrate the bastard. he will scream in pain, beg for forgiveness, beg to keep his balls, but it will be too late. and then, because i am not a surgeon, they will die from blood loss. oh, well!
it's sickening to hear all these gooey stories about how "oooh, my boyfriend just got me a diamond necklace! we're so much in love, we're going to get married, nurr." and then there are the people like me, who really would like something but would rather act all bitter about it. however, i'm being bitter for fun. i believe that there has got to be at least one terribly negative bitch on valentine's day, and i don't know who else will do it! but i really am one of those mopey girls who sit around the house daydreaming about opening the door to find a boy holding just the right valentine's gift, smiling shyly with a twinkle in his eye, ready to grab you and kiss you deeply, totally unlike him and totally awesome. but of course there's that other part of me that is all, "EW BOYS ARE GRODY, HE HAS ULTERIOR MOTIVES; HE WANTS TO RAPE YOU ON YOUR OWN PORCH," and that's the main part of me, the part i rely on for every day decisions. "oh, great conscience, should i invite over so-and-so?" "NO, CHILD. HE WILL RAPE YOU, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT, AND YOU WILL DIE DURING CHILDBIRTH." "oh, conscience, should i say something romantic?" "NO, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING HORRIBLY CYNICAL AND THROW HIM OFF. HE CAN'T RAPE YOU IF YOU CONFUSE HIS PENIS." things like that.
so, yeah! i like the idea of romanticism, but it terrifies me. i love me some cute guys, but they're awful, chauvinist pigs who will rape me at any given moment.

I'm Absolutely Positive That I Have No Idea

how do you tell if someone's waiting on you, anyway? i mean, if you're waiting on them and they're waiting on you, you don't get anywhere. but how do you know? and how do you know if you want to get somewhere? i don't know what i want. well, i do: fun. but i don't know if i want to jump into fun things that can become NOT fun. and i don't think i want to be committed. i don't want to be stuck to some specific person or thing, 'cause then if someone or something else comes up, i can't have fun. i like to act on impulse, and setting up dates is no fun, but it seems to be the only way that two people can hang out. it's rare that anyone ever pops up on my front porch like, "HEY! wanna go see a movie?" in fact, that has never happened. i wouldn't mind going on dates, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i would like to be in a relationship. i don't know. can't i just hang out with my guy friends? and can't they get the nerve to ask? and when they ask, can't i get the nerve to say yes? and can't i get permission from mom? jesus. so many factors in these situations.
i don't like to be vulnerably in lust. having feelings for someone makes me jumpy and nervous and unhappy. i can't stand it. recently i've been avoiding having serious feelings for guys, but i've been enjoying their company more and more. how do i do it, you ask? sheer willpower, my darlings. also, ego. my ego is so gigantic that it's blocking my view of the world around me. don't be me. i'm having fun, but i'm a jackass. don't be dani! do not, i repeat: do not be dani.
i have this problem where i make people out to be someone they're not. so i imagine that they're all cuddly and selfless and great at consoling me when i need it, when in reality they're none of those things. i need to face the facts, really. not every guy is intelligent enough, not every guy is accepting enough, selfless enough, caring enough, kind, loving, understanding, cool, fun, great enough. and no guy could possibly understand my constant urge to wear a plastic crown or wear a tie to bed. no guy would hang out with me in town when i'm dressed as Hobo Dani. besides, i like to be alone. i almost always have more fun with me than i do with anyone else. so if i wanted to have some plain-old-dani time and my beau called me up, i would feel like he was being awfully clingy and i wouldn't be happy. but if he didn't show interest in me one day, i would start freaking out about how he must not like me as much as i thought he did and yada-yada. it seems that no one can love me enough, but everyone can love me too much. who knows what the hell my problem is. oh, well.
anyway, if some dude can really handle all my impulsiveness, moodiness, and desire to be as loud as humanly possible at all times, i will be seriously impressed. but until that day, i'll have my many suitors to play my games with. and they can play back, if they're clever enough. hopefully they won't outwit me. that leaves me in quite the vulnerable state. but they've got to catch me off-guard and say something insanely flirtacious. that'll make me freeze up terribly. it's so much easier on the internet. those boys just don't know what hit 'em. (even thirty-year-olds are impressed by my allure. long story.)
'kay. i hope i've inspired someone... to do something... maybe i've inspired someone to punch me in the face. if i have, please make it a point to give me a black eye. i've always wanted one. :)