Excessive Worrying: Things That Go Bump in The Night

hi there! i am using blogger to calm myself down, because they always say that writing about it makes you feel better. though i'm not quite sure if that works with fears, because then it just makes you think about them more and it's not a very good distraction at all and i'm certain i'll die any minute now.

you see, i've been having a bit of a problem with sleeping recently. it's because of these inexplicable scenarios that keep creeping up in that mind o' mine. within the past three weeks or so, i have steadily been getting more and more afraid of ridiculous things. i have had the laundry room light on for the last couple of days to shed some light on my room, but i'm not sure if light would help or hurt me. it all depends on the creature that's trying to kill me, you know? real life murderers would see me so much easier and would come stab me in my bed or whatever. but if we're thinking, you know, implausible, impossible critters from movies and novels and such, the light could help me! there's one scary thing in particular that goes toward the light and leaves everything else alone, and that's this scary dead nurse thing from the movie Silent Hill. there were a bunch of them, and they moved jerkily and swung at the main character with rusty syringes and other scary hospital tools. sure, that's just one example, but i'm sure there is some other one.

i kind of don't want to sleep in my room tonight. we live across the street from the cemetery, you see, and my room is in the scary, damp basement and i'm afraid that a zombie would somehow either be buried beneath my house and dig through my floor or a zombie would dig all the way from the cemetery to my wall. either way, the basement is a scary place. but what about the middle floor?! there are so many large windows to break in through! OH GOD WHAT ABOUT THE CRAWL SPACE I AM NEVER SLEEPING IN MY ROOM AGAIN.

it would help if a certain boy would remember that, before he went to georgia for a week, he used to let me call him and would convince me that i was not in any danger at all. catch my drift, boy?

ashley is helping now. we're making cracks about zombies on twitter, and i'm feeling a bit less afraid of these impossible monsters. i might have the nerve to sleep in my room, but only if i take this metal baseball bat with me. my brother, eric, told me that a golf club would not help in a zombie invasion, and because of his explanation, i don't think a baseball bat would help much, either. but i can fend off other things with a baseball bat, right? but shit, i'm more afraid of zombies than anything else tonight. i don't want to go to sleep! but i don't want to stay up and fret all morning, either. it's already past midnight... SHIT THE ZOMBIES WOKE UP NINETEEN MINUTES AGO, I AM GOING T

Getting a License, Maybe

my parents are officially bribing me to grow up. the deal is: if i get a license in the next week or so, i will eventually get a cellphone. EVENTUALLY. if i don't get my license in this set period of time, i will never get a cellphone from my parents.

hmm.

i know that most teenagers can't understand either of these things, but i don't want a license, and i don't want a cellphone.

i've been over the license thing. i like to walk, and if i get a license i won't ever walk. i'll get fat, and i'll die a painful death. but mostly i just don't want to grow up. old people always talk about how much they miss childhood, and i don't ever want to be like them. i want to stay young and wrinkle-free! i want to keep my brain cells and my aerodynamically curvaceous body. i want to keep my same sense of humor without being creepy. can you imagine an eighty-year-old telling my kind of crude jokes? i can't really tell if that would be awesome or if it'd be insanely inappropriate.

now, for the cellphone... i guess i wouldn't mind having a cellphone if i don't have to pay for it. i certainly wouldn't have one if i had to buy the phone and the plan and all of that. but if my parents are doing that for me, i don't see how it'd be a bad thing. it's not really a good thing, but it's not a bad thing, either. i don't need a cellphone. i have never in my life seriously asked for a cellphone, and i wasn't planning on doing so. i would be unhappy if evan just texted me at night instead of having me call him. but using twitter on the phone might be cool, though i would drown everyone else's twitter feed all of the time. i'm almost always home, too. i have a home phone, and though it is crappy and screams static fuzz into my ear, it gets the job done. i don't really see the need for a cellphone. the only real plus is that evan would be able to call me at any point during the night without waking up my family and that my friends could leave as many inappropriate messages as they wanted. i don't really want a texting plan, and i don't need a camera phone.

it seems to me that the bribe my parents have chosen isn't going to work too well.

on another note, it bugs me that my parents are so eager for me to get my license. they have to buy a car. and on top of that, they're now willing to buy me a phone and a plan for that phone? i don't get it. they don't have to drive me places, you know. i have rides. i don't need their assistance in getting places, so it's not that. i'm not a waste of their gas. it kind of worries me, like they want me to grow up RIGHT NOW so that i'll move out as soon as possible. i don't want to leave them or my kid brothers just yet. my parents take good care of me, and i'm not ready to take care of myself. i'm a kid, alright? I LOVE MY MOMMY AND DADDY.

i don't like change. i don't want to have a car to take care of, i don't want to have a job to wake up for. ashley works at the co-ed theater now, and bethany applied for it yesterday. it sounds like a fairly easy job, and it's only for two days a week, but i still don't want to do it. there are too many people there. also, i'm terrible with technology. when someone bought a ticket or food, i would not know how to use the touchscreen cash register thing. i wouldn't know how to use it even after they taught me how to, and then i would get all frustrated and depressed over it. it's like when i worked for mom. when i didn't know how to do something, i would ask her and she'd get all pissed off and ask me if i was retarded. i don't want to always make people react that way, but i'm sloowwwww. i'm the dumbest person i know because i truly believe that ignorance is bliss.

but i guess i'll begin driving practice today. last time i drove, i got illegally passed and flipped off when i was going the speed limit. i don't know what i was doing wrong, but those people were pissed.

what really worries me is the DOT. i don't have a problem with driving with my dad, and if mom ever agreed to take me driving, i wouldn't have a problem with her, either. but driving alone with a stranger? would they take points off because of all the mumbling to myself that i do when i drive? i don't even notice when i do it, so i can't really stop myself. ashley and mary beth told me that i talked when i drove in driver's ed, and dad gets mad when i talk when i drive with him. this DOT isn't just going to be judging my awful driving ability, they'll be judging me as a person. they'll think i'm insane!

bethany said that the test with the DOT isn't hard, but it just worries me so much. i don't want to be in a car with this strange person. and what happens when i fail the test? do i get grounded? do i not get that cellphone that i don't need? or will my parents finally accept that i cannot properly use any method of transportation other than my feet? i never did learn to ride a bike, you know. since my biological dad left my mom when i was three, no one really tried to teach me until i was eight or nine and too stubborn to learn. now i've no desire to try because, hey, i'm about to get a license. also, i have no balance whatsoever. i almost fall over when i'm just standing. i don't want to try this awful balance on a bike.

anyway, yeah. i guess we'll see what happens. i'll inform you of the outcome.

I Am A Female On The Internet, Hear Me Whine.

i have been feeling strange as of late. i've been crazy moody, but never angry. it has been like this: contentedness, FRENZIED PANIC, bliss, HORRIFIED SOBS, euphoria, OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE! of course i laugh at myself the whole time, like, "what the fuck? ha-ha, i'm such a crazy schizo person," but it does get to me a bit.

i wasn't able to tell what was wrong with me for the longest time, because i refuse to think. but i finally allowed some thought to the problem, and i've realized that i'm just a big baby. i don't want to grow up, and that is my problem. of course i kept taking it back to evan, telling myself that the only reason i was so upset was because i was in a relationship. i don't know why i do that. evan is one of the four people out there who can always, always make me happy. he's not the problem at all. well... maybe a little bit. being in a relationship certainly can't stay innocent and childish forever, and that terrifies me. i also realized that i am too dependent on him and his car, because i really don't want my license and he takes me wherever i need to go.

bah. it's pathetic that i've been so sad about growing up. i suppose it's just that i'm going to be a junior and i realize that i've taken school so lightly and i slacked off and messed around and how will i ever get a job? (by the way, i like making long sentences like that, shut up.) it's really too late to fix my GPA. well, not too late, but... i know i'm not going to take this next year seriously, either. it's not that i'm trying to rebel or anything ridiculous like that, it's just that, well... it's no fun. i like fun! fun is good! schoolwork is not fun, therefore it is not good. this is one of the things about me never growing up that affects me negatively. if something isn't fun, i won't do it. if something is fun but it hurts someone else, hell if i care. i only think about it and feel bad after i've done it.

what really sucks about my current, self-induced misery is that there is no solution that lets me have my way. the only thing to do is to give in and grow up. i should maybe brush off my main distraction for a bit, practice my driving, and get my license. that's the biggest thing, i think. dad has been angry with me because i refuse to get a license, and that upsets me a little. i don't understand it, though; does he want to waste money on a car for me? but when i get my license, i'll have to get a real job so that i can pay for gas and insurance and i just don't want to do it. jobs aren't fun! i don't want a job, so i don't want a car, so i don't want my license, so i don't want to grow up.

i need some chocolate ice cream, but i don't have a car and i think that evan has decided not to come over today.
see my problem?

on another note: HAVE I BECOME BORING? OHMIGOD ANOTHER THING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT.