Excessive Worrying: Getting A Job.

i just read bethany's newest post in her blog, and it made me think. i'm not ready to grow up, i'm really not. but summer's fast approaching, and i have to get a job. i passed driver's ed, so that means i'll be expected to get my license soon. i don't want to, but i'll have to eventually, and then i'll have to pay for a car and gas and so i need a job this summer.

my driving instructor made one of my driving partners drive to Chapel Studio, and then he made me get out of the car, walk down the path that i grew up walking down, and go into the building that i spent hours and hours and hours sitting in, bored as hell, as a child. i then had to ask the girl at the front desk for an application. she stared at me like i was a crazy person before handing it over. maybe it was my expression - a mix of humiliation, disgust, and amusement - or maybe it was my bright orange shirt and mario pajama pants, but i don't think she found me suitable for the job. well, i don't want to work there. my mom worked for that shit hole for seven or eight years, and i spent most of my childhood sitting around doing nothing there.

so it seems i've only one other choice, since i refuse to work at a food place. i'm going to have to babysit, maybe four days a week. for the whole summer. i'm really going to miss lazy summers full of runescape, pokemon, and spur of the moment escapades with bethany and ashley. i suppose i will still have plenty of time to do those things, though, if all goes according to plan. mom says that the mother of the four girls i might babysit works from nine to three, four days a week. there's still plenty of day after three. but. i might not even be able to babysit them. there might be some other babysitter already. or maybe that babysitter works a few of the four days and i'll work the rest? i don't know; i haven't talked to the mother yet.

mom says she'll pay me to babysit my kid brothers for two or three days a week, so long as i take them outside and keep them completely entertained instead of sitting on the laptop while they fall and crack their heads in the other room. i think that would be cool. sometimes i really adore my kid brothers, and i wouldn't mind spending more time with them. if i could honestly help them develop their own personalities, that would be great. i mean, i don't want little dani clones; i like myself too much to let anyone else have my personality, but still. i want them to know that it's great to have fun - they should probably definitely have fun all the time - but there are boundaries. and i want them to know that their sister supports them fully and wants for them to be individuals in all they do, and that they don't have to be what mom and dad want them to be. granted, i know that my kid brothers are way too young to understand any of life's secrets, but i like mumbling truths at them every now and again and then laughing at the absurdity of it.

besides, i really like spontaneously deciding to blast the music and dance around the house with my brothers.

there's another thing i've been worrying about, and that is that maybe i've changed too much in too short a time. i feel guilty constantly because of my relationship with evan. i mean, i like it. i really, really, really like it. but that may be the problem. i feel like i've abandoned my friends, though i still love them just as i always have and i think that if bethany and ashley called me and asked me to do something at the exact time that evan called and asked the same, i would choose the escapade with bethany and ashley. i love hanging out with evan, but i do it often enough. besides, there's nothing better than running around with bethany and ashley. you know that, right, guys?

i wouldn't cancel plans with evan to go hang out with my friends, and i wouldn't cancel plans with my friends to go hang out with evan. my grades didn't drop because i'm with evan - did you ever notice my grades before now? they're just as they've always been. i'm not wilder than i was, and i'm not making bad decisions. i'll admit that i'm excessively cuddly when evan's around, and i'm sure that's annoying as fuck, but i don't know. i got used to (SECRET FRIEND) and her beau - i actually think they're really adorable - so i assume that you guys could get used to evan and me, if you wanted to. but i know you don't want to, and i understand.

i just really hope that you don't feel abandoned. maybe i'm being silly; maybe i act like this relationship is my entire life. but it's not! i know that. i'm not so engrossed in romancin' that i can't think clearly or make rational decisions. i'm not so lost in evan's eyes that i can't have fun without him. i still dance around the house when i'm alone, i still go on walks and have long discussions with myself (and they're not all about him). and bethany, since you're a persistent little bugger, i sometimes have fun in children of eden, but only because you and ashley are there. i guarantee that i would not have any fun there if evan was also there.

and i like going on drives with you guys, singing loudly, and laughing wildly at god only knows what. i'm still the same dani! i promise! please don't start to avoid me because you assume i would rather be with evan.

i'm sure that i'm making a fuss over nothing, but i worry. i don't want to lose my friends because i have a completely different kind of relationship with someone else now. it's not like tons has changed recently - we didn't hang out all that often, it's always a random decision at a random time - but some has changed. myself included. i'm not trying to play the victim. there's nothing to be the victim of! but i'm worried! i'm so very worried that i'll lose you over one boy. he's just a boy... just a boy that i like a great deal, i admit... but still. you guys have been around for years and years and years. he's been around (i mean, really around, not like before, where i barely acknowledged his existence) for only about three months now.

i don't think i have to choose between you, because they're entirely different relationships. i can have both, though my intimate relations may irk you at times. but i know (or at least i think i know) that you're not going to blow me off just because i'm too cuddly with evan and i spend a shit ton of time with him. YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU, GUYS. I KNOW IT. I KNOW IT.

PLEASE DON'T EXCLUDE ME FROM FUN TIMES.
I NEED YOU.
I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE.
YOU ARE LIKE... LIKE GUARDIAN ANGELS, MANG.
YOU ARE MY GUIDES.
YOU ARE MY LIFE.
IF YOU DIED, I WOULD DIE.
OH MAN, IF YOU WERE A VAMPIRE, I WOULD TOTALLY WANT YOU TO BITE ME SO THAT WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER (IN LOVE).
YOU'RE MY MORMON WIVES. HE'S JUST A PLAY THING, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I'M REALLY SORRY, EVAN. I KNOW YOU READ MY BLOG. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT I WORRY ABOUT THIS AND YOU ALSO KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT A PLAY THING AND THAT I LUURRRVVV YOU AND ALSO ENJOY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU BUT I REALLY LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH MY FRIENDS AND - AUGH. YOU HAVE FRIENDS. YOU HAVE ME. I'M SURE YOU GET IT.
I'M REALLY SORRY, BETHANY AND ASHLEY, FOR THAT LAST BIT. I'M SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY AFFECTIONS FOR EVAN.

GODDAMN IT, SORRY EVERYONE. I'M STILL DANI, JUST DANI IN A RELATIONSHIP. I STILL WORRY THE SAME AMOUNT, CAN YOU TELL?