Sweet Sixteen and Never Been Kissed (Awesome).

today's my birthday! i did not receive a car, or a cell phone, or any other silly, cliche gifts like that... but i did get a whole lot of money for the band trip to florida, and that's pretty awesome. i won't be swimming or riding on roller coasters or any of that crazy shit, but it will be fun. i'm saving up my own money now. all $584 has been paid toward the trip, and i've been saving up so that maybe i've got somewhere around three-hundred dollars of spending money. i'm going to buy the biggest, cuddliest, and most expensive donald duck that Disneyworld(land?) has to offer. i also have to buy a swirly lollipop the size of my head, even though i don't like lollipops much and it will just rot my teeth and make my tongue bleed profusely.
my friends and family had planned on having a surprise party for me, on account of the fact that i refused to have one. mom called up bethany yesterday, bethany called ashley, and then - get this - right in the middle of the radio show, the one thing that i do during the week, ashley called evan. i was immediately suspicious; why would ashley be calling evan? they're not really close friends or anything... i mean, i don't even call evan. so when he left the room after announcing that it was ashley, i was preeetty sure that something awful was goin' down. and then evan didn't even look at me for the rest of the time the show was going on! i had three possible explanations: ashley had said something to evan that made him uncomfortable around me (pssh, we're already extremely awkward around each other, but that doesn't stop us), he was pissed off about my frantic questioning (i'm not certain if he has ever been angry with me), or there was a surprise party being planned. the moment the show was over, i ran out of the doors and walked home as quickly as possible to call ashley. well, i didn't get her, i got her mom, and i told her mom about the suspicious call, and then my mother walked into the room and said, "do you want to know?" so i hung up and stared at her while she explained to me that there would be a large crowd of people over the next night because she knows me and didn't believe my half-hearted responses to "are you having a party this year?" so, even though i had had a million good reasons to not have a party, i started a furious cleaning session. i spent maybe three and a half hours cleaning this house, and i'm sure nobody even noticed. i mean, i came upstairs in the middle of the night to go pee, noticed that the bathroom was not spotless, got on my hands and knees and scrubbed that bathroom like the queen of england was coming down for a visit. bah.
anyway, my party was really fun, for the most part. it ended very crappily, but what else is new? bethany, ashley, galen, evan, shelbie, olivia, and rachel came over (kahlise showed up after nearly everyone had left), we drew mustaches on ourselves (it's tradition at this point, geez), and proceeded to play super smash bros. melee for four hours or something. my white chocolate raspberry cake (from yummy's!) said, "Sweet 16 & Never Been Kissed" and had little swirly mustaches on it. it was everything i wanted, and more! freakin' mustaches, man. awesome. i got plenty of money (from grandparents), a huge bottle of bubble soap (evan), a stuffed puppy and blanket (shelbie), a plastic cell phone filled with candy (kahlise), a delightful candle (kahlise), five burned CD's (galen and bethany), a sketch pad (galen), charcoal pencils (galen), and a giant hershey's kiss (galen). i think that's it... nobody got me anything embarrassing this year.
actually, i guess my party was pretty uneventful. we all just hung around, played video games, and prodded each other in all the wrong (or right!) places. i guess everyone assumed that i would be a sexual deviant now that i've achieved the age of sixteen without being kissed... even my four-year-old brother was getting impatient and saying, "sissy, have your kiss!" rachel really seemed to want to see some action, because she kept telling evan to kiss me. i don't remember why, but at one point i must have said something about galen and rachel went, "awww, i was kind of rooting for evan." i would find it very entertaining if people started making bets on them, but i'm sure they wouldn't appreciate that quite as much as i would. so, i ask you (in discretion), blog-viewers: who will win the dani (or at least kiss her before the other does): galen, or evan? teehee.
i was honestly freaking out about this whole thing yesterday. i was all, "sixteen is half way to thirty two and thirty two is half way to sixty four and sixty four is half way to one-hundred and twenty-eight and i'll be dead by then," and i was worried that everyone would have a terrible time at my party and some major drama would go down, or that everyone would be so distracted that they would let my baby brother roam the house alone and he would drown in the toilet or something... i was afraid that i would neglect all of my friends to the point where they would just up and leave because i'm such a horrible friend and i'm the most self-centered girl there is, and just because it's my birthday doesn't mean i can be a bitch. i thought about how you're expected to get your license when you turn sixteen, and when you have your license you're expected to get a job and then you're expected to go off to college, get a career, settle down, get married, have kids, lead the perfect, immobile, mundane life. the older you get, the more responsible you're expected to be. maybe i don't want to grow up yet! maybe i missed out on all the fun of childhood when i was on antidepressants. i'm only kidding, geez! i missed out on my childhood because i wanted to mope around the whole time and didn't realize how absolutely beautiful and wonderful everything is (can you hear the contempt?) until just this year. i want to start over, learn all the things i should have learned before now... but i don't regret anything. i am who i am because of all that moping, in all honesty. i'm cynical and just oozing with contempt, but i love that about myself. i could do without all my moodiness, but whatcha gonna do? i'm a teenage girl, c'mon! i'm expected to be a little miss moody broody, all the time! i think i'm pretty great. i get upset constantly, yeah, but it's not like i'm ever like, "god, i suck so much, why do i suck, i'm going to slit my wrists now." that's how i used to be, silly. when i wanted all the negative attention. i was so hardcore. i acknowledge that i have a few kinks in my personality that need worked out, but whatever, y'know? we've all got our problems, and if people are really going to dislike me because i over analyze certain things and whine a whole lot, too bad for them. that's not my problem, is it? just because we can't be friends doesn't mean we have to be enemies, so it really doesn't affect me much.
y'know, when it comes right down to it, my sixteenth birthday doesn't change anything. if i hadn't've acknowledged it, i still would have been sixteen. no matter what, i will age, and one day i will die. also, just because i've reached my "sixteen and never been kissed" goal doesn't mean that i suddenly have the courage to just grab one of those cute little hipster boys and start snogging them. i don't suddenly have the knowledge of how to go about doing that, i'm not suddenly uber horny. i'm just the same as i was yesterday, and i will be the same tomorrow. i wish i had more courage, i really do, because sometimes i just think it would be much easier if the boys would stop being so awkward and i'm sure snogging them would shut them up just fine. i'm not going to make the first move on anybody, and i'm not just going to sit back and agree to let someone kiss me. i can want it when the guy's not offering, but when he is, every fiber of my being screams in terror and frustration and my muscles tense and jerk my away from old so-and-so and make everything suck for the both of us.
i'm really glad that i am able to talk to my parents. my party ended on a slightly morbid note, so when mom asked how the party was, i told her it was great, except for... and told her all about it. it's not like that one little thing ruined my whole day, oh no! my day was excellent. i knew i was being silly, i just needed mom to tell me just how i was being silly and over analyzing stupid things. she's constantly telling me things about me that i already know, but knowing that someone else notices just makes it a little bit more real. she tells me that i always think that all my guy friends have this huge list of girls they would like to date and i am at the very bottom. i know that i think that, and i'm still pretty sure that it's true, but it's silly of me to feel that way. i mean, if he's interested, he's interested, right? just because he likes a couple of other girls doesn't mean that he likes me any less than them. right? i always assume that i'm the "back-up plan" for guys to fall back on when they get turned down by some unattainable girl, but that's ridiculous. i am one of the unattainable girls. i'm always, "oh, man, i really like him," and then when they show any sort of interest i start freaking out about it and then i think that i've chased him away, and even though i'm almost certain that i haven't been, maybe i've been wrong and i rarely chase anybody away for good, and maybe if i took them more seriously and knew that they actually were still interested, things would be fine. but instead, when a guy shows interest in dating me, i'm all, "oh, ha-ha, that's funny, you're making fun of me for being obsessed, aren't you?" and i always turn them down as if they're playing some awful prank on me. but yeah, that's the sort of start thinking about after i have a nice chat with my mother.
my birthday was really great, it was. i am very lucky to have such faithful friends (even though they only love me for my gamecube and luscious breats), and i actually am pretty grateful that my friends and family put together that party for me, even though i figured it out pretty quickly. i felt really guilty about not being a moron and missing all the signs, but the party was still fun. thank you all for everything; i love you! except for you. i fuggin' hate you. :3