Don't Take Me Too Seriously.

i've spent the night, and am still spending the night, keeping an eye on my kid brothers, jace (who is four) and teague (one). it wasn't so bad. sure, i nearly puked when i had to change a diaper, but when do i not nearly puke? i mean, even when i'm just sitting in class, i constantly get stomach aches. they're mostly from nerves, so i don't think i could actually be sick from it, but i always want to ask the teacher if i can be excused so that i may go be sick, or i just sit there, planning my escape route for when i begin to hurl. anyway, we're talking about babysitting my kid brothers. i had fun. i spent the first hour or two watching a movie with them and then we had a DANCE PARTY!! at first, i was just singing "there's a hole in the bottom of the sea" or whatever, but of course i started jumping around like a maniac, so teague wanted up. i swept him up and jumped around with him, singing all the while, and then i turned on pandora.com and proceeded to dance. i spun in circles, i turned teague upside down, we danced. it kind of sucked because jace wanted me to dance around like that with him, but he's getting too big, and i can't hold him and teague at the same time. i tried my best to alternate between the two of them, but like i said, jace is too big and i got worn out after a while. i crashed on the couch and jace immediately started jumping all over me and whacking me with anything he could get his hands on. oh, and he seems to really like stomping all over the painful spots on every human being. dad's always crying out in pain as jace steps on his crotch, and i don't appreciate it much when he decides to jump on my chest. ow.
i had a great time, really. i imagined what it would be like if they were my kids, and... i decided... that it wouldn't be so bad to have kids. gasp! really, dani! you've never wanted kids! ever since you were a little girl, you said you wouldn't have kids! but, then again, i also said i wouldn't get married and i'm sure i don't still believe that (yes i do). but really, if i could just hang out with my kids all the time, it wouldn't be so bad. i guess it's the growing up part that's hard on a parent. teague is a sweetie, and jace is just a little bit misguided, but he's still awesome. sadly, they will soon be in school, where they will be corrupted by terrible kids raised by terrible adults who live in terrible homes and smoke weeeeeed for dinner or something. they'll get a negative outlook on life, they'll learn to hate their family, and they'll probably get some girl pregnant eventually. augh, teenagers! who knows teenagers better than a teenager, right? i know what we're like. it's terrible, really. we're so impressionable, so terribly desperate to be accepted by worthless people who are trying just as hard to be liked. we lose our identities, lose our minds. every little thing is full of implications of horror and drama with irreversible consequences. we take out our frustration on our poor parents, who don't know where their babies went. what happened? parents pray for their atheist daughter, their satanic son, what happened, what happened? where did we go wrong? help us, God, help us, we can't do this alone.
geez, i always change my mind when i write blog posts. i got into this thinking, "gee, it would be cool to be a single mother, if i could bring in enough dough," because single parents are always really close to their kids, and kids with one parent are kind of soft, troubled beings that need all the love you can give them, and oh, i've got a lot of love. it's easy to imagine coming home to this gangly kid who has been waiting for me, sitting on the couch and slinging an arm over them to watch afternoon cartoons. who needs a man? i would just get jealous when they spent time with our baby. all it would take is a little trip: "dad took me fishing!" and i would go off on some rant about how i could have done that, i'm better at fishing anyway, i wanted to teach you, your father is stealing you away from me, you love him more, yada yada. but of course i would end up messing up the kid in some way. he got too much attention from his mother, doesn't need a woman, turns gay, mother doesn't like that, gets angry, abandons son. or i would have the kid and give him up right when he was born. the hours of excruciating pain of childbirth would help me to decide that it's really not worth it, that i can't handle it, anyway. i especially wouldn't be able to handle the first few years alone. waking up at all hours of the night to stumble over to baby Cain's cradle, change diapers, fill bottles, freakin' breastfeed! my boobs would get all saggy, augh! i would be some terrible, ugly woman with bags under her eyes and a baby attached to her tit at all hours of the day, like in the grocery store and just about anywhere. do you see how i change my mind in these posts?! i realize things that i don't consider in actual, plain old thought. how would i be a stupid whoreslutskanktrollopbitchtease if i was hideous? and why would my baby ever accept love from an ugly troll woman? he would be embarrassed by me by the time he was five.
anyway, yeah. babysitting jace and teague was fun.