Letters to Santa: #2

sweetums,
i can't wait to see you. tomorrow night is going to be a blast. i've been counting the days until you would come visit me again, darling, and it will be just so wonderful to be in your big, meaty arms again. your breath smells like the most delicious of cookies; your beard is like a big, fluffy pillow. i used to anticipate your arrival because of the lovely toys you would bring me, but honey, i'm not getting any younger. and you're immortal, so you're not getting any older. so why wait? what's done is done, anyway, and santa, you're great in the sack. this way, you save money on getting me presents. there's only one little box you have to buy, darling, and the only wrapping paper on my floor will be very small and hastily torn. get my drift, luv?
forever yours,
dan the WOman.

Letters to Santa: #1

dear santa,
i'm glad you appreciated my rendition of "santa baby" across the street from your little hut on the square. i wasn't expecting you to wave and give me a thumbs-up, but you know, that just makes me love you all the more. you don't need mrs. claus; i saw the sculpture of her near your hut, and she's not good enough for you. what an old hag. i, however, am young and curvy, and i wouldn't mind if i woke up on christmas morning to find you next to me in bed. is that weird, santa claus? hah! weird is you watching children every day and every night. that, santa, is just about the weirdest thing ever. if we get together, i hope you'll stop doing that.
yours truly,
dan the WOman.