Excessive Worrying: Life Itself

I have a new idea. I'm going to list off all the things that are making me depressed lately, and, one by one, i am going to remove them from my life. I will probably elaborate too much on some of them. Here goes nothing.

1. I am almost always convinced that Evan no longer loves me.

For whatever reason, Evan being in college is like having seventeen tiny people hacking away at my insides with rusty knives and spoons. He doesn't like to talk on the phone - because of the dropped calls and inability to hear each other all of the time, he says - so whenever I call or have him call, I feel super guilty and think that he sounds quite monotone and apathetic toward me. I have to talk nonstop or face the silence - he doesn't talk, no matter what - and the constant jabbering makes me feel even more selfish. I've told him more than once that if he doesn't at least try to communicate with me, things aren't going to work. He doesn't understand what I mean. I mean that communicating is more than just picking up the phone, saying "hello" and then sitting in silence while I talk. He should listen, he should respond, and I should do the same for him. It's not supposed to be so one-sided. Is that so fucking hard to understand?

I guess my problem is that I love him. I love him too much. He has admitted more than once that he does not love me the same way that I love him, and while it's incredibly painful to hear and even more painful to endure, day after day, month after month - and as of this next Sunday, our two-year mark - year after year, I'm not going to leave. Maybe I'm too hopeful. Maybe I hope that someday, somehow, he'll change his mind. Maybe he'll stop saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," and maybe he'll stop telling me that he doesn't think that our relationship will go anywhere.

Or maybe I'm just setting myself up to get my heart broken.
Whatever. It's a good lesson.

I should probably break this down into sub levels.

1. I am almost always convinced that Evan no longer loves me.
a. I believe that calling me is the worst part of his day.
b. I believe that he is not making an attempt to communicate with me and thus trying to end our relationship.
c. He has said, more than once, that he does not feel for me what I feel for him, so why is he still with me?
d. He moved on super fast after moving to college. He has never missed me, still does not feel any sort of need to talk to me, and only seems happy to be with me when he's actually, physically with me.

Onto the next point.

2. I'm honestly nearly friendless.

Bethany has become the only person that I can definitely call my friend. I love how close we are - or at least how close we feel to me - but she has other friends, and she has responsibilities and hobbies and she can't always dote on me. I had three consecutive nightmares involving Evan last night, and Bethany appeared in each of them, there to hug me or impatiently listen to me whine. She's my one and only friend, but is that okay? Is it healthy to only have one person to talk to?

Maybe I should explain why she is now my only friend. Somewhere along the way - I think right before Evan went to basic training - I started becoming really, horribly intolerant of everyone. I used to find the good in everybody - even the crappiest people - but I've found that that can bring lots of bad things into my life. There was that one boy who verbally and emotionally abused me for several years before I finally went, "You know what? FUCK OFF," but of course telling him that only caused him to lash out, spread rumors, threaten to report me (for what, I don't know), etc. It was good for me, kind of, to start standing up for myself. But this intolerance that I've gained is different from that. I can't stand anyone. Everyone has some major flaw that I can't stand - maybe they talk too much about themselves (but so do I), or maybe they bring up their sex life too often (but so do I), or maybe they're crude, loud, obsessive, and lack self-respect (but so am I).

I lost Ashley at some point. She got a beau, Ramses, which I was fine with and had been supporting for quite some time (I was almost always the third wheel before they finally got the courage to be alone together). Well, long story short, she's a hypocrite but won't apologize for it, she's getting some sort of unstoppable superiority complex ("Oh, look at my hideous painting that I know isn't hideous at all. Look at it. Isn't it hideous? Oh, I know. I don't know why I'm painting it and carrying it around the school for everyone to see"), and she blew off Bethany and Shannon.
Also, Ramses turned out to be a total prick! I thought he was a super sweetheart and had a bit of a platonic crush on him over the summer, but holy shit, being in a relationship sure can change people. Being with Ashley got him several more friends, and he dropped his cute, awkward personality for a straight-backed, constantly sneering, holier-than-thou personality that I just can't stand.

I'm sure I'm exaggerating. I'm positive I am. But hey, I'm due to have my period any day now and goddamn it, I need a fucking outlet right now.

SO.


2. I'm honestly nearly friendless.
a. Bethany is my only true friend, but she's not (and will never be) my girlfriend. I can't always have her around.
b. I cannot tolerate anyone ever.
c. I lost Ashley and Ramses to some strange black hole.

And, finally:

3. Derp, what's a future?

Now that I'm a senior in my second semester, I'm flipping shit. I'm not allowed to go to the University of Iowa, apparently. I have to go to Indian Hills. But because of my stupid, masochistic, obsessive personality, I want to go to U of I. I want to get a fucking apartment with my fucking apathetic beau and lead a stupid, naggy, insecure life.

(Now that I'm trying to explain this, I realize just how much of a moron I am.)

Fuck that. I'm never going to live with Evan. He promised me this. GAH.

Well, regardless, I want to go to U of I, and I have since before I started dating Evan. I've heard it's really great for artists and writers. I might have wanted to be both at one point, so I figure I'd better pretend that I'm still interested in all of that shit and go for it.

God, I don't even know what I'm interested in. I'm interested in Evan, but only believe that he's interested in me when he's near me. I'm interested in doing meaningless projects in 2-D art (we're currently practicing layering with paint, and I'm painting a floppy, plastic flower that makes me feel like Van Gogh). I'm interested in people, usually, but am too depressed currently to be interested in anyone but myself. I'm interested in... fantasy. Um, stars. Deities. Grass and clouds and tree bark. Jazz and orchestras. Mr. Miklo and Mr. Cukierski (oh, I'm very interested).

I don't know yet. I'll have to figure it out. If I have to drive back and forth from Indian Hills every day for the next two years, well, fine. If that's my only option. Otherwise, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I feel like doing and I'm going to be happy for once.

So This is the Real World?

in order to achieve happiness, we do things that make us unhappy. we work mundane jobs to earn money, day in and day out, and if we ended up with our dream job, we sometimes learn to hate what we do. if we haven't found them yet, we wait for our one-and-only, sometimes suffering heartache after heartache and growing too bitter to truly appreciate our lover when we've found them. we grow old and cynical and watch everyone that we've known die off. this is what we live for? to flail around hopelessly until we've settled for a life we may not have hoped for? there is no helping what happens to anyone, is there?

a simple explanation to my current angst: grandpa rauscher's dead, evan's gone, i've got a job, i'm on my period.

i received a letter from evan today, but i can't write a response. i always intend to write something peppy and fun for him, but when i reread what i've written, it's like, "holy fuck, dani, what is wrong with you?" when i try to tell him anything, suddenly i sound depressed and horribly needy. i'm going to keep the letters i've decided not to send, and we'll see how big that stack gets.

i'm considering not sending any more at all. he doesn't receive my mail, anyway: for some reason, they're holding my letters from him. he gets letters from his mom, but not from me. i don't know why. maybe it's my bubbly address. the guys in charge over at basic take one look at my envelope and think, "pleasant plain road? THAT'S FOR PUSSY BOYS, WE DON'T NEED THIS SHIT HERE." that's what i'm going to assume is happening.

i'll be fine soon, i'm sure. i'm just having trouble coping because there is no one to talk to about this. i've tried talking to bethany and ashley, but they don't like when i do. they try to change the subject, and i understand completely. i'm terrible to talk to right now. i'm a mess. i dream about evan coming home and wake up snoggin' my pillow (obviously one of the more entertaining aspects of my emotional distress).

it's not just him, of course. rusty was at my grandpa's funeral, and he hugged me. the fuck kind of ex-dad wants a hug? of course, that's not the worst thing about the funeral. i felt horribly guilty about every way i had ever wronged grandpa, and grandma seemed so sincerely happy to see me... she's all alone at that big ole' farm now. she can't take care of all that land by herself. i know that older people sometimes just give up on life when their spouse dies, and i'm scared for grandma now. i'm scared for all my grandparents. any one of them could die at any second. my parents could die. anyone can die! life is full of uncertainties, and they're all hitting me hard.

i don't want to angst out on everyone, but i can't help it. the longer i go without letting it all out, the worse it gets. right? i guess i'll stay pretty bad until evan comes home in september. but he'll leave me for good in january, when he goes to college, and i'll have to experience this crippling loneliness all over again. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, guys.

fuck.