A Lousy Start to Summer

evan left for basic training on tuesday morning. he has been gone for all of four days now, and i'm already unsure of myself and of everything around me. the sound on my computer isn't working, so i can't spend every day immersed in various anime's. i find myself bored of video games, and i don't really watch television (y'know, other than the stuff i watch on the internet). i'm bored and i'm lonely. i had hoped to discover that i can function just fine without evan, and i'm sure i will be able to at some point during this summer, but i can't for now.

the only things that will keep me out of my bed this summer are my new job and the constant hope for letters from evan. he has already sent me something; he ordered it before he left. it's this lovely (though slightly inappropriate) t-shirt from bustedtees.com. here, have a picture:



it's great, isn't it? for those of you who may not get it (if there's anyone out there who doesn't), that's a game cartridge. let's say your super nintendo game isn't playing. one solution is to pop out the game cartridge, blow into it, and pop it back in. it works more often than you might think. so that explains that.

i don't know when evan will be able to write me, but i look forward to seeing his messy handwriting again. i hope he's doing alright and not getting raped. he had a fear of puking all over the place; while i don't understand it, i still hope it doesn't happen.

and now for the awful news: i was informed today that my grandpa rauscher, the father of my biological dad, had a massive stroke. the doctors have given him maybe two or three days to live. the first thing i thought when i heard was, "who's gonna call me 'kiddo' now?" i haven't been close to the rauschers since before my biological dad legally disowned me. i had planned to drive out to lockridge to visit grandma and grandpa this summer, and that just makes me feel worse. i've procrastinated for so long, and now i'll never see him again. i'm nobody's 'kiddo' now.

for the last few years, i had only seen grandpa for eric's birthdays and my own. most of the time he would just sit in the car and wait for grandma to be done with me so that he could get home. when i would ask grandma where he was, she would say, "oh, his feet are hurting him," or something petty like that. it always made me wonder if he didn't love me anymore - i've been a terrible, neglectful granddaughter, haven't i? i kept thinking, "oh, they'll be there next summer break, i'll see them then." well, now he won't be. he promised me that he'd teach me to ride a horse... what was that? ten years ago? he said, "i'll teach you to ride a horse this summer," and i was so bitter when he didn't...

this isn't the first stroke he has had, and i never visited or called or anything when i heard about his first one. i was scared, and i cried, but he'll never know that. i've been so selfish and careless. i remember - i thought it was the silliest thing - when i was little, he would send me to the basement to get him a beer almost every time i went to visit. i would go down and get a freeze pop for myself and get him his beer and grandma would chide him for making his granddaughter get him alcohol. i always smiled when she did; they had a funny relationship.

i'm being selfish again: i'm not sure if i should go to his funeral. i want to, but my biological dad will be there and i haven't seen him in eight years and he's not supposed to see me without permission until i'm eighteen... i don't want to see him. i've had nightmares - actual sleep nightmares, not just bad thoughts - about having encounters with him, him being a villain with a maniacal laugh... it's silly, but i have dreamed that. i'll go to grandpa's funeral. i'll do my best to avoid rusty, i'll try not to be too sad when eric forces my long-lost half-brother to meet me, and i'll try to act like i belong at the funeral of a rauscher. what am i to them? a vague memory?

i love my grandpa. i've been stupid, and for the last several years i've said, "i don't know, i think it would be awkward if i went to visit them," but i always wished that it wouldn't be awkward at all. i always hoped that somehow it'd be exactly how it used to be: that i would go outside and climb on the hay bales, followed by my trusted feline companion, cubbie, just to be up higher than the horses. i hoped that grandpa would send me out to get the eggs from the chicken coop and scold me when i was too cowardly to lift the protective hens from their nests. i hoped that grandma would invite me downstairs, where i would watch her attempt, for the hundredth time, to clean up all the useless junk she has hoarded, and watch her put the useless junk back in the corner where she found it. i hoped that grandpa would say, "hey, kiddo!" when i walked through the door, i hoped that grandma would give me the big hugs that she used to...

i'm a coward. if it weren't for my cowardice, i would have gone to see my grandparents. i wouldn't be lamenting over lost time, i would be lamenting over the loss of a close relative. i feel awful, i feel guilty. i'll carry this guilt for the rest of my life; i just know i will.

i'm nobody's 'kiddo'.