A Fine Example of Douchebaggery

as of saturday, my dad is in the hospital. he had been in a lot of pain since thursday morning, but he stuck around with us until christmas was over and didn't complain once to any of us. i didn't even know he was in pain on christmas day, but i remember teasingly pointing out to him that i didn't think i had seen him smile once that day, which he answered with a big, cheesy grin. he helped my grandpa move their heavy TV and replace it with another. i didn't know that he was hurting at all until he left for the emergency room saturday morning. his face was red and his voice was strained, but he was still trying his best to hide from me that he was really sick.

after blood tests, x-rays, and a CAT scan, the doctors found a two-inch abnormality on his colon. this could be an infected scratch or hole, or it could be cancer. they're doing a colonoscopy today, and the results should be in around one o'clock. the doctors say that he's really young for cancer, but there's still that chance. and if it is cancer, that's the very thing that killed his father a few years ago. grandpa had throat cancer from chewing tobacco, though, and we got dad to quit chewing so that he won't die a similar way: too early, too painfully.

i'll admit that i really haven't been concerned at all until today. i hadn't cried at all until i started typing this up and after i realized that he really is trying to be strong for all of us even when he's probably pretty scared. i just told evan yesterday that i wasn't too worried about dad because he's a strong guy and i'm not all that close to him, anyway. what a horrible thing to say! i don't know what i was thinking. i love my dad, and i would be devastated if something happened to him. our whole family would. i would have to be the strong one while mom cried and cried. i would have to take over the chores that dad does every day without once being asked. i would end up chopping wood for the fire, endlessly cleaning dirty dishes, cooking, cleaning, all the tedious things that dad has to do for us without any appreciation. i know that he feels that we're not grateful for him, but we are! we would be nowhere without him. i would be nameless if he hadn't adopted me way back when. my older brother would be, too, and that's where the title of this post comes in.

the majority of my readers know that my brother, eric, and i were legally disowned by our biological father, rusty rauscher, when i was nine and eric was thirteen. lyle hannes married our mother and gave up all of his freedom in life to take us in and help raise us, no matter how disgruntled we were about some strange man taking over our lives. we treated him horribly, and we still do, but he's been there for us and hasn't given up. well... he hasn't given up on me, at least, but eric is a lost cause that we've all given up on. rusty didn't want anything to do with us. he didn't want to have to pay child support, and he didn't want to have to spend time with us for just a couple of days a month.

i know for a fact that rusty wouldn't have disowned us if it weren't for me, and i guess i feel kind of guilty for being the cause of eric's abandonment, but it wasn't my fault. maybe you don't believe me. maybe you think i'm being melodramatic, as i am so apt to do, but mom herself told me that eric was rusty's favorite, and when i asked her if rusty would have kept eric if i hadn't been born, she gave me kind of a sad look. but even still, rusty disowned eric! he willingly gave him to lyle, and he just as willingly signed the papers that stated that he would not be in any sort of contact with us until we were eighteen or unless we sought him out. only eric would be careless enough to leave our whole family to go back to the man that didn't want him. it pisses me off, it really does. guess where he's going right now, before knowing dad's test results? that's right; he's going to cedar rapids to be with rusty, and then he's going to fucking mardi gras.

eric lives in a world all to himself now, hitchhiking around with no connections to anybody. he's more selfish and narcissistic now than ever, but if rusty was in the hospital, he would be there. he doesn't give a flying shit about our real dad, and he won't let mom show him the proof that rusty has been lying to him about what happened. our dad could die while eric's away, and he wouldn't come back. when grandpa hannes died, eric stayed away. he never showed any sort of sympathy about it, and he more or less told mom to fuck off whenever she brought up the funeral.

what did we do to make eric into such a terrible person? mom tried her hardest to raise her all by herself for so many years, and she did alright for a single parent. i'm okay, aren't i? i haven't touched drugs or alcohol. the only times i'm even exposed to such things are in my own house when eric comes back to "visit." evan and i came into the house at ten-thirty last night, only to find eric and his buddy zach matson surrounded by giant bottles, hooting suggestive things at us. mom told me that it would be best if evan left and i went straight to bed so that eric and matson wouldn't mess with us at all. we did as she said, and everything was fine. honestly, though, i have never been around any underage drinking except for in my own house, and that's unacceptable.

eric believes that society is ruining our society. does that make any sense to you? he thinks that we should all question everything that goes on, but then we'd all end up questioning everyone else's questioning. questions would go unanswered forever, and we'd all die unsatisfied. being suspicious doesn't get anything done, it just makes us paranoid and unhappy. if you're part of this society, accept that and get on with your miserable little life.

to put it all bluntly: my brother's a dick and i often want him to die a gruesome death.

i still think that my dad's strong enough to get through this. it won't be cancer, and he'll be fine. i'll post the test results when i've learned them.