sweetums,
i can't wait to see you. tomorrow night is going to be a blast. i've been counting the days until you would come visit me again, darling, and it will be just so wonderful to be in your big, meaty arms again. your breath smells like the most delicious of cookies; your beard is like a big, fluffy pillow. i used to anticipate your arrival because of the lovely toys you would bring me, but honey, i'm not getting any younger. and you're immortal, so you're not getting any older. so why wait? what's done is done, anyway, and santa, you're great in the sack. this way, you save money on getting me presents. there's only one little box you have to buy, darling, and the only wrapping paper on my floor will be very small and hastily torn. get my drift, luv?
forever yours,
dan the WOman.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I'm Absolutely Positive That I Have No Idea
how do you tell if someone's waiting on you, anyway? i mean, if you're waiting on them and they're waiting on you, you don't get anywhere. but how do you know? and how do you know if you want to get somewhere? i don't know what i want. well, i do: fun. but i don't know if i want to jump into fun things that can become NOT fun. and i don't think i want to be committed. i don't want to be stuck to some specific person or thing, 'cause then if someone or something else comes up, i can't have fun. i like to act on impulse, and setting up dates is no fun, but it seems to be the only way that two people can hang out. it's rare that anyone ever pops up on my front porch like, "HEY! wanna go see a movie?" in fact, that has never happened. i wouldn't mind going on dates, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i would like to be in a relationship. i don't know. can't i just hang out with my guy friends? and can't they get the nerve to ask? and when they ask, can't i get the nerve to say yes? and can't i get permission from mom? jesus. so many factors in these situations.
i don't like to be vulnerably in lust. having feelings for someone makes me jumpy and nervous and unhappy. i can't stand it. recently i've been avoiding having serious feelings for guys, but i've been enjoying their company more and more. how do i do it, you ask? sheer willpower, my darlings. also, ego. my ego is so gigantic that it's blocking my view of the world around me. don't be me. i'm having fun, but i'm a jackass. don't be dani! do not, i repeat: do not be dani.
i have this problem where i make people out to be someone they're not. so i imagine that they're all cuddly and selfless and great at consoling me when i need it, when in reality they're none of those things. i need to face the facts, really. not every guy is intelligent enough, not every guy is accepting enough, selfless enough, caring enough, kind, loving, understanding, cool, fun, great enough. and no guy could possibly understand my constant urge to wear a plastic crown or wear a tie to bed. no guy would hang out with me in town when i'm dressed as Hobo Dani. besides, i like to be alone. i almost always have more fun with me than i do with anyone else. so if i wanted to have some plain-old-dani time and my beau called me up, i would feel like he was being awfully clingy and i wouldn't be happy. but if he didn't show interest in me one day, i would start freaking out about how he must not like me as much as i thought he did and yada-yada. it seems that no one can love me enough, but everyone can love me too much. who knows what the hell my problem is. oh, well.
anyway, if some dude can really handle all my impulsiveness, moodiness, and desire to be as loud as humanly possible at all times, i will be seriously impressed. but until that day, i'll have my many suitors to play my games with. and they can play back, if they're clever enough. hopefully they won't outwit me. that leaves me in quite the vulnerable state. but they've got to catch me off-guard and say something insanely flirtacious. that'll make me freeze up terribly. it's so much easier on the internet. those boys just don't know what hit 'em. (even thirty-year-olds are impressed by my allure. long story.)
'kay. i hope i've inspired someone... to do something... maybe i've inspired someone to punch me in the face. if i have, please make it a point to give me a black eye. i've always wanted one. :)
i don't like to be vulnerably in lust. having feelings for someone makes me jumpy and nervous and unhappy. i can't stand it. recently i've been avoiding having serious feelings for guys, but i've been enjoying their company more and more. how do i do it, you ask? sheer willpower, my darlings. also, ego. my ego is so gigantic that it's blocking my view of the world around me. don't be me. i'm having fun, but i'm a jackass. don't be dani! do not, i repeat: do not be dani.
i have this problem where i make people out to be someone they're not. so i imagine that they're all cuddly and selfless and great at consoling me when i need it, when in reality they're none of those things. i need to face the facts, really. not every guy is intelligent enough, not every guy is accepting enough, selfless enough, caring enough, kind, loving, understanding, cool, fun, great enough. and no guy could possibly understand my constant urge to wear a plastic crown or wear a tie to bed. no guy would hang out with me in town when i'm dressed as Hobo Dani. besides, i like to be alone. i almost always have more fun with me than i do with anyone else. so if i wanted to have some plain-old-dani time and my beau called me up, i would feel like he was being awfully clingy and i wouldn't be happy. but if he didn't show interest in me one day, i would start freaking out about how he must not like me as much as i thought he did and yada-yada. it seems that no one can love me enough, but everyone can love me too much. who knows what the hell my problem is. oh, well.
anyway, if some dude can really handle all my impulsiveness, moodiness, and desire to be as loud as humanly possible at all times, i will be seriously impressed. but until that day, i'll have my many suitors to play my games with. and they can play back, if they're clever enough. hopefully they won't outwit me. that leaves me in quite the vulnerable state. but they've got to catch me off-guard and say something insanely flirtacious. that'll make me freeze up terribly. it's so much easier on the internet. those boys just don't know what hit 'em. (even thirty-year-olds are impressed by my allure. long story.)
'kay. i hope i've inspired someone... to do something... maybe i've inspired someone to punch me in the face. if i have, please make it a point to give me a black eye. i've always wanted one. :)
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Current Obsessions
the other day, ashley asked me what my current obsessions are. well, i suppose it's about time i listed 'em, so here we go:
dani's current obsessions (in no particular order)
1. facial hair.
2. canada, as always.
3. jones soda (made in canada).
4. my "wickedly hot chocolate" body lotion. it's strong enough to make you gag.
5. www.pandora.com
6. www.cybernations.net
7. www.threadless.com
8. www.snorgtees.com
9. www.80stees.com
10. silly t-shirt sites in general.
11. santa claus, in all his glory.
12. breaking my saxophone (apparently).
13. "2,001 Things to do Before You Die." ms. nelson, now that i know you're reading this, you're borrowing this book.
14. protesting deer season and the slaughtering of animals in general.
15. being a hypocrite and eating meat anyway.
16. my list of desires. i might have to put that up on here, but it might offend or scare people.
17. sleeping.
18. dreaming.
19. collecting bottles.
20. long, hot showers.
21. snowwww.
23. the larsons (FOREVERRR).
24. fantasy stories with faeries, trolls, elves, pixies, and all the rest. (Tithe, Valiant, and Ironside, all by Holly Black.)
25. sitting at home in my pajamas for long hours.
26. bothering people with my ultra happiness.
27. confusing people with my unpredictability.
28. reading miiinds.
29. figuring out what makes myself and others tick.
30. learning about mumbo-jumbo (astrology).
31. being a total prick in the nicest way possible.
32. snow days, regardless of how many days i have to make up later.
33. nerds.
34. geeks.
35. weirdos.
36. necks... uhm.
37. eyes. love the eyes.
38. Suicidal Ants!
39. lamenting over the death of Stanley, my venus fly trap.
40. lamenting over the removal of Henry, my second pet dead spider.
41. having near-perfect punctuation and grammar, ignoring the need for capital letters.
42. laughing at my misfortunes.
43. www.runescape.com (again). and yes, i know; i'm a loser.
44. semi-colons, even though i'm still not entirely sure where they go.
45. the shoes i designed on www.converse.com.
46. contrasting colors.
47. the back extension machine in the weight room. don't ask me why.
48. the "B skip" in warm-ups... it's like... retarded trotting.
49. my current converse, in all their holey goodness. they've got character!
50. complaining about my mother.
51. complaining about my big brother.
52. loving my kid brother.
53. loving my baby brother.
54. scolding my kid brother (it's fun).
55. writing too-long blog posts that few people will ever read all the way through.
56. the fucked-up story i'm writing. it's about an insane girl with hallucinations, one of which wants to sex her real bad.
57. lists.
58. knowing peoples' scents and being comforted by them, no matter how narsty they are.
59. having marvelous friends who would be there for me, no matter the situation.
60. yooooou.
dani's current obsessions (in no particular order)
1. facial hair.
2. canada, as always.
3. jones soda (made in canada).
4. my "wickedly hot chocolate" body lotion. it's strong enough to make you gag.
5. www.pandora.com
6. www.cybernations.net
7. www.threadless.com
8. www.snorgtees.com
9. www.80stees.com
10. silly t-shirt sites in general.
11. santa claus, in all his glory.
12. breaking my saxophone (apparently).
13. "2,001 Things to do Before You Die." ms. nelson, now that i know you're reading this, you're borrowing this book.
14. protesting deer season and the slaughtering of animals in general.
15. being a hypocrite and eating meat anyway.
16. my list of desires. i might have to put that up on here, but it might offend or scare people.
17. sleeping.
18. dreaming.
19. collecting bottles.
20. long, hot showers.
21. snowwww.
23. the larsons (FOREVERRR).
24. fantasy stories with faeries, trolls, elves, pixies, and all the rest. (Tithe, Valiant, and Ironside, all by Holly Black.)
25. sitting at home in my pajamas for long hours.
26. bothering people with my ultra happiness.
27. confusing people with my unpredictability.
28. reading miiinds.
29. figuring out what makes myself and others tick.
30. learning about mumbo-jumbo (astrology).
31. being a total prick in the nicest way possible.
32. snow days, regardless of how many days i have to make up later.
33. nerds.
34. geeks.
35. weirdos.
36. necks... uhm.
37. eyes. love the eyes.
38. Suicidal Ants!
39. lamenting over the death of Stanley, my venus fly trap.
40. lamenting over the removal of Henry, my second pet dead spider.
41. having near-perfect punctuation and grammar, ignoring the need for capital letters.
42. laughing at my misfortunes.
43. www.runescape.com (again). and yes, i know; i'm a loser.
44. semi-colons, even though i'm still not entirely sure where they go.
45. the shoes i designed on www.converse.com.
46. contrasting colors.
47. the back extension machine in the weight room. don't ask me why.
48. the "B skip" in warm-ups... it's like... retarded trotting.
49. my current converse, in all their holey goodness. they've got character!
50. complaining about my mother.
51. complaining about my big brother.
52. loving my kid brother.
53. loving my baby brother.
54. scolding my kid brother (it's fun).
55. writing too-long blog posts that few people will ever read all the way through.
56. the fucked-up story i'm writing. it's about an insane girl with hallucinations, one of which wants to sex her real bad.
57. lists.
58. knowing peoples' scents and being comforted by them, no matter how narsty they are.
59. having marvelous friends who would be there for me, no matter the situation.
60. yooooou.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Letters to Santa: #1
dear santa,
i'm glad you appreciated my rendition of "santa baby" across the street from your little hut on the square. i wasn't expecting you to wave and give me a thumbs-up, but you know, that just makes me love you all the more. you don't need mrs. claus; i saw the sculpture of her near your hut, and she's not good enough for you. what an old hag. i, however, am young and curvy, and i wouldn't mind if i woke up on christmas morning to find you next to me in bed. is that weird, santa claus? hah! weird is you watching children every day and every night. that, santa, is just about the weirdest thing ever. if we get together, i hope you'll stop doing that.
yours truly,
dan the WOman.
i'm glad you appreciated my rendition of "santa baby" across the street from your little hut on the square. i wasn't expecting you to wave and give me a thumbs-up, but you know, that just makes me love you all the more. you don't need mrs. claus; i saw the sculpture of her near your hut, and she's not good enough for you. what an old hag. i, however, am young and curvy, and i wouldn't mind if i woke up on christmas morning to find you next to me in bed. is that weird, santa claus? hah! weird is you watching children every day and every night. that, santa, is just about the weirdest thing ever. if we get together, i hope you'll stop doing that.
yours truly,
dan the WOman.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
